Creating my own Christmas ritual


“Every time I say yes because I want validation, I am secretly rejecting myself.” That sentence I heard on the Lewis Howes podcast (episode 1828) is so true.

It made me think about how often I did that in the past. Agreeing to do something – not because I wanted it – but because I wanted to please others or just to have my peace or to avoid conflict, out of guilt or a misunderstood sense of duty or obligation. 

A typical example: going to my parents at Christmas almost every year of my life, even though I knew it would be a stressful time with lots of conflict. I could never fully relax due to the challenges my mom’s mental situation brought about. And journeying into Germany with its chronically unreliable public transport posed an additional challenge, especially before and after Christmas when lots of people were traveling. 

Looking back I realized that except for 3 or 4 times (when I was either ill or it was due to covid restrictions) I always went to my parents’ place at Christmas time. And so did my brother with his family.

It simply felt like a duty. I wanted to be a “good daughter” hence saw no other realistic option, and I wanted to avoid endless discussions and conflict. 

Year after year though I was longing for a more peaceful Christmas time, hoping that “this time it will be different”. In the weeks before Christmas I mentally prepared myself with my favourite Christmas music, carefully planning how to spend the days together. I never gave up on hope. In the end, sometimes there were less conflicts, but overall it was exhausting. 

I really like Christmas time and want to enjoy it, but reality was so much different from what I imagined and longed for. My mom overburdening everyone with her unrealistic expectations and her denial of reality had me on edge the whole time. 

Maybe celebrating Christmas is much more enjoyable when spending it with good friends who understand and respect each others’ boundaries. As weird as it sounds: even though Christmas is supposed to be a family celebration, this concept does not seem to work at all in many families.

Often I became ill after Christmas – the stress took its toll on me. When I traveled back to my place after the festive days, I always felt a wave of relief the moment I stepped onto the train, and once I got home I needed a few days to relax and get back into balance.

I never really considered using these days for staying by myself or going on vacation. Of course there are alternatives which would either allow for more restful, peaceful days, recharging your energy and enjoying the silence, or going on a trip and exploring interesting locations.

This year, after moving my parents to a care home because they could not take care of themselves anymore, I finally got to understand that taking off time for myself and prioritizing my needs is not selfish at all. It makes much more sense to visit my parents at different times, but not during the busy festive season. 

When speaking about it with a longterm friend of mine, she actually told me that she handled it that way with her dad, who in fact was the one who made it clear to her that he did not expect her to visit him at Christmas. Hearing that story something clicked into place in my head. 

So I gave it some thought and decided it’s about time that I create my own personal Christmas ritual and do what feels right for me. 

And that means: this year, I am spending Christmas eve at my home. Listening to Christmas carols and Celtic music, my Christmas tree – my memory tree – gleaming into the night. It’s cold and quiet outside and from time to time I am looking at my neighbours’ glimmering Christmas lights on their balconies and in their front gardens.

It feels good. I am much more at ease. It makes me wonder now why I did not start to question my automatic response pattern to please others years ago. Some habits are hard to break, but it’s never too late to do so. 

It’s certainly a process and I only managed it because I realized that I had to let go. Letting go of feeling responsible for my parents’ happiness, of feeling obliged and a sense of guilt. It’s not easy. A big part is acknowledging that I have no control over how other people feel.

On the 2nd Christmas Day I will take the ferry to my favourite Dutch island Terschelling and return after New Year. Enjoying peace and quiet and clean air, taking walks in the heather, the woods and at the sea, reading a lot, resting. 

Being on this island is always so deeply relaxing for me. Each time I feel refreshed and calm when I return home. It’s the perfect place for me to recharge and start the New Year well.

Wishing you all a happy and peaceful festive season, wherever you are.

Inviting unpredictability

Have a little faith. There is no black and white situation. Things always change. There is no inevitability in how an event unfolds – even if I think (or wish) there must be.

How often have I experienced that things turned out much better than expected, but before they did I was fretting about them a lot and at length. 

Of course, it is always good to be prepared and to think things through, considering options and alternatives. Nothing wrong with doing my due diligence. But often, even that turned out to be not necessary at all.

So I am trying to have more patience and trust, ultimately having confidence that things can sometimes turn out well. Adjusting my expectations and not always assuming a negative outcome by default has become an important practice for me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

There is also a flip side of course. Life is unpredictable. 

We don’t have a lot under control, but we are deluding ourselves that we do. I am very familiar with this behaviour, because I am a planner. Fear of bad events (real or imagined) is driving my need for control. 

Well, life doesn’t work like that. I am so used to attempting to eliminate bad surprises and trying to get on top of all important tasks in my life – but I know my wish is a mere illusion. 

It’s much more liberating to let go of this idea – an idea essentially rooted in perfectionism. Herein lies the real inevitability: that I am unable to control the outcome of life events.


Become comfortable with not knowing.

Eckhart Tolle

Allowing myself to experience conflicting emotions is part of the package. Questioning from time to time if I am on the right path is fully ok – I just need to hang in there. 

Letting go of things I cannot control, again and again, is important, but it’s also a real struggle. 

That’s what I learnt during the past months. Unfortunately, my parents are not happy in the care home they are living in. Of course, it was a big change at a very late point in their lives and they are understandably upset. They are grieving what they lost, lacking the strength and willpower to adjust to their new situation. Their cognitive decline makes it harder.

The aggression and resistance my brother and I were confronted with really hurt though. It’s sad to see them making themselves so unhappy. It was the right decision to move them and we waited a long time before going through with it. It’s a relief to know that they are not alone anymore and have all the help and support they need. 

We had the best intentions but of course no control over the outcome. And that’s exactly what can happen: you do something for all the right reasons, but someone else is unhappy as a result. 

I had hoped for them to make the best out of this situation and focus on the benefits it clearly has for them, but they don’t want to see it.


The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.

Rumi

To acknowledge all this, my role in it and how it made me feel, was difficult. I struggled a lot with these conflicting emotions, feeling lost, angry and sad. 

In the weeks that followed I took the time to process it all, focused on protecting myself and on letting go, bit by bit. With time, I felt lighter, easing back into balance.

Where people’s emotions are involved, things get messy. Personal sensitivities have a large influence on their decisions and override the facts of reality quite often. It’s never to be underestimated. It can be a source of hope but can also turn out to be a recipe for disaster. We just never know in advance – and that’s life.

Nevertheless, this is the tiny space where hope is living. Between the black and the white.

There is always potential in every situation, even if I cannot see it in the very moment I am in it. It can turn out either way and there is not a lot we can do about it besides inviting unpredictability into our lives, fully knowing that it’s not going to be easy. 

Ultimately, have trust in what will unfold. It’s not in our hands (not always or not fully anyway most of the time), but that does not have to be a bad thing.

Have trust. In yourself and in life.


Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.

Roy T. Bennett

How do you talk to yourself?

Many of us tend to engaging in negative self-talk. It happens often unconsciously, we are so used to doing it without questioning it.

Watching my favorite show, The Great British Bake Off, I noticed this behaviour among the candidates as well, many times, men and women alike. Putting themselves down, being overly self-critical or calling themselves “stupid” when making a mistake.

I did that myself many years of my life, thinking that I needed that sort of criticism because I messed up so often. Well, let’s face it: messing up is part of being human. It’s totally normal to make mistakes, but in my mind it was not because I expected perfection from myself. 

Since then I have learnt a lot and moved on. What I focus on now is doing things in a slow manner for starters and not judging myself when I make a mistake, whatever it is. Beating myself up is not going to change what has happened anyway. But it releases stress hormones in my body, damaging my wellbeing in the long run. It’s not worth it.

This reflex is hard to stop though. Human beings are innately judgemental, towards themselves and others. It’s so easy to point out the obvious: what went wrong and then to punish ourselves or somebody else for that mishap with words. Children pick it up from their parents, and might still experience at school that mistakes are followed by ridicule and punishment.

Doing things slowly and focusing on what I do, one thing at a time, is a good way of preventing mishaps in the first place. Whether it is at work, while cooking a meal or communicating with others. It requires intention, concentration and being present. No multi-tasking.

When I am not present but being somewhere else in my head, that’s when mistakes are bound to happen. That’s why rushing in stressful situations is never a good idea. 

Ambulance workers for example don’t rush when they arrive on the scene of an accident. They are very intentional in their movements and that requires a lot of training and self-awareness. This approach certainly serves the people needing their help best.

Just keep good spirits when things are sometimes difficult, everything will work out later, and nobody can do at the beginning what he would like to do.

Vincent van Gogh

But once I (inevitably) mess up I try to stay calm and breathe, and then continue on with whatever I was doing. No blaming, no complaining, just taking a few breaths and then calmly continuing. No need to wreck my day by making myself feel inadequate.

That I managed to get this far is a huge achievement already. In the past I used to call myself an idiot. I have moved beyond that since.

I am human thus I am not perfect and I don’t have to be. And that’s what I am telling myself.

The temptation to get angry in that kind of situation is of course always there. Any deviation from my self-expectations can trigger me easily. 

A big recurring challenge for me is when my day does not go according to what I planned. Hardly any day unfolds according to plan, in fact. This is just my normal reality and I decided that getting angry with myself over it is not helpful. This has now become my practice of accepting a degree of uncertainty in my life and going with the flow. 

No chiding myself. No judgement. Be open. Just breathe and let go.

I repeat these words quite often in my head.

Good point in fact: don’t forget to breathe. In stressful situations I tend to hold my breath, therefore I give it extra attention.

That’s step number 1: quitting negative self-talk and allowing myself to make mistakes.

Moving on to positive self-talk is step number 2: acknowledging and encouraging myself. You did good. You’ll be fine. It’s ok to feel that way. 

It takes a while to internalize it, but things do get better. It takes awareness and constant practice. As always, I really need to make an active choice to change my behaviour and aim to responding instead of reacting.

Be a lamp to yourself. Be your own confidence. Hold on to the truth within yourself as to the only truth. 

Buddha

Accepting life as it is. Accepting what is (Byron Katie). Accepting the inevitable.

It sounds easy but is so hard. It’s a very big deal, in fact. It makes you humble, realizing just how fallible we humans are and that nothing in life is a given.

We do not need to know or understand or be able to fix everything, or to slide through life perfectly well. These were once my beliefs I setup as a child. I let them go since and found more peace. They are still surfacing sometimes but they don’t control me anymore.

Riding the waves of life, navigating the everyday currents is essentially like bouncing up and down. This practice takes courage, acceptance and humility. 

The only thing we can do is trying, every day again, to do better tomorrow and to treat ourselves better. 

And acknowledge our small victories every time we succeed. 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Ralph Waldo Emerson