Tag: courage

What if it turns out well?

Some time ago, I was in for a surprise – once again. It wasn’t the first reminder that nothing is ever cast in stone and the only constant is change. 

During a videocall with two very knowledgeable advisors from the German and the Dutch Statutory Pension Authorities, I gained a lot of insights into my quite complex pension situation as an expat. Getting that clarity helped me to better put things in perspective. Although my situation remains complex and some of it scary and unclear, new possibilities came into view.

I had imagined walking on a narrowing pathway with a shrinking number of options – which was simply not true, and in all fairness it almost never is. There are always options, always choices. Things can change into either direction – some beneficial, some unfavorable. 

Dealing with uncertainty is uncomfortable but there’s always a chance. The overall takeaway for me was: What if things actually turn out well?

We usually assume the opposite dreading the worst case scenario: What if?

What if I lose my job and can’t find another one? What if my pension gap doesn’t allow me to live in this place I call home anymore? What if I get seriously ill? What if I lose a person dear to me? What if I completely lose my marbles when I get older?

Honestly, who would really like to dive into their future pension situation, especially if it’s not that straightforward? I had been procrastinating on it and instead spent my time worrying about the bits and pieces I knew to be problematic.

Especially the possibility of having to leave my home and moving somewhere else had occupied my thoughts and upset me for quite a while.

My mother got uprooted by world war II, had to flee her home when she was very young and could never return. Since then she carried this scar on her soul turning her into a sad and anxious person. With that in mind, everything in me resisted a similar notion becoming a reality for me, especially since I found my home only some 11 years ago – quite late in my life.

Chances are that not everything I worry about will come true, or maybe not exactly as imagined and it could be manageable. From past experience I know there is always a choice, no matter what. Weird how we easily forget about that, so ready to step into the same worrying circle once the next challenge comes along.

I cannot foresee things and don’t control most of my life. We don’t get to choose what happens to us – but we have a choice what to do about it. And sometimes that means having trust in the unknown and myself, taking one step at a time and asking for help.

To accept the increasing level of uncertainty is part of the deal, as scary as it is. What’s the alternative anyway? Worrying does not change anything. I am trying to make my peace with not knowing it all and not having all the answers, but I find myself struggling.

Constant change does offer a chance for things to work out for me, but does that make it any easier for me to let go? Not striving for control, not being able to determine the outcome? Having that trust is not easy at all. Maybe that’s my stumbling stone: I am afraid that I might not be able to handle well what comes along.

At my age things somehow feel heavier, scarier. I often catch myself remembering how I moved through life when I was younger, and how many things I did not realize then, how unfazed I was, how naive. 

Wondering why I did not see what I see now, why I perceived life so differently. Of course, I also worried then, but now the intensity is higher. In hindsight, things always become clearer. I could not know then what I do know now. Experience has shaped and changed me.

We commonly glorify past time periods thinking “everything was so much better or easier back then because xy did not exist”, but that’s nothing but a misconception. We simply were not aware of what was concealed behind the curtain. We couldn’t possibly know. 

And now? Life in the digital age has become far more complex, accelerating, its pace head-spinning. We feel overwhelmed by total transparency, are bombarded with too much information, and unfortunately, the focus is largely on the bad stuff. The veil has been lifted and it’s deeply unsettling.

But that’s not all. I am older now, in many ways less resilient, more tired, and feeling exhausted faster due to my different energy level. I know so much more now about myself, about life, and therefore, I notice more. Once you see you can’t un-see things anymore.

Life and its volatility feel far more intense. It impacts how I perceive uncertainty and it increases my fears and worries. On the other hand, what I have learnt working through my trauma enables me to navigate the obstacles life throws at me so much better.

Knowledge, even wisdom come attached with a price tag – I understand that now. I wouldn’t want to give back the valuable insights I have gained, but on the other hand I am well aware that they make my life more difficult. They are are a precious gift but feel like a curse at the same time. That’s an interesting dilemma to be faced with, and for sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.

Back to “what if it turns out well?”

Just because we can’t see something doesn’t mean it isn’t there.That goes for the sun and everything else, like the path I do not see yet or the changes that are about to happen.

When a dark cloud moves in we just need to wait until the sky clears up again to find that the sun was never gone.

But without the darkness we don’t appreciate the light. 

What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

An enlightening poem

The birds aren’t singing to win a grammy.

They’re not trying to go platinum, 

Do their marketing or planning,

They’re just jamming.

I’m not even understanding…


“Birdsong”  (IN-Q)


Words, recited with so much warmth, humour and kindness, depth and wisdom. This poet and his poem “Birdsong” got me fascinated instantly when I listened to him the first time on the Lewis Howes podcast.

It’s a very unusual piece and contains so many lines worth pondering over, that’s why I’d like to share what stuck out for me and what it made me think of.

The first lines caught my attention and made me smile. I love listening to the birds singing early at dawn when the sky is slowly brightening. 

They are indeed a bunch of jamming musicians, creating a unique and wonderful sound which is different every day in the quietude of the morning. And while they are doing it neither for financial gain nor admiration, we are listening in awe.

Humans are the only animals pretending to be something that they’re not.

Why are we ashamed of what we’ve got?


“Birdsong”  (IN-Q)

Now that truly hits home. Why are we hiding our true self? It’s ever so often about thinking that we are not good enough, don’t measure up to a standard. Actually which standard? The one set by others we are so easily submitting to, or our own unrealistic expectations we so often set for ourselves? 

It’s easy to get drawn into this spiral about what others do, like or have, so we want that as well. Irrelevant of whether it’s good or useful – or even meant for us. People are social animals, and watching someone else supposedly happy with whatever they got, a signal seems to pop up for us to start chasing after the very same thing.

Such reflex I experienced as well on occasion, putting myself under pressure by setting an unrealistic goal. And then I felt annoyed with myself for not achieving it, for getting doubts along the way and procrastinating. Now I take these feelings as a sure sign that this is not the right goal for me.  

Everyone has to walk their very own path, and that means finding out what is good and meant for me, and only for me. Especially since time is a finite resource which becomes more and more obvious when getting older.

Our creator gave us free will thus choice. That sets us apart from animals. And what do we do with it? Why are we so often pretending instead of being our authentic selves?

Why put up a show, building a fake persona or a fake life – to what end? To impress others or make them envy what I have allegedly got?

How sad it is, pretending (online) to have the perfect body, the perfect relationship, job, holidays ….. or the perfect life. 

Before social media existed, we also flaunted status symbols like a house, a car or “the right clothes”, showing off to impress the neighbours or our classmates at school. Today in the online world people have a much further reach through their posts, facilitating approval from across the globe for their “achievements”. 

But none of it can cover up what’s going on behind the scenes, and the polished facade we put out there is in essence nothing more than a desire to belong and to find happiness.

You have to be willing not to be liked in order to be loved.

“Birdsong” (IN-Q)

Wow – what a statement! And a tall order for sure. How often we are striving for acceptance and approval, for being liked – in the real world and online. 

Who’s got the courage to go against the flow and make themselves vulnerable? Admitting not to be perfect, to mess up from time to time, making mistakes and standing by these slip-ups. Yes, it takes courage. 

I found it gets easier since I got older though, because my priorities have changed. Some things are not that important to me anymore. And how good it felt to simply let go of my wish for perfection!

How to handle negative feedback and disapproval? Well, people can only see and know parts of you. The only person knowing the full picture is you. Have a look at what Thich Nath Hanh wrote about the 6th mantra: “…The other person only sees a part of you, not the totality, so you don’t have to be unhappy at all.” (Thich Nhat Hanh, The Art of Communicating (p. 86))

Stay true to yourself and close to yourself.

Show me the unseen stuff.

Don’t invite me over only after you have cleaned up.

“Birdsong” (IN-Q)

Show me what’s bothering you, what you’re struggling with and let me help you carry the load. I want to meet your true self. That helps me to be my true self.

In everybody’s life there is something not going right. It’s important to share it and be honest about it. Why hiding it? There is no need to be ashamed. We are all in it together. Nobody is without flaws, without a drama of some kind in their lives.  

These lines made me laugh though, because when I invite friends, I often use it as an opportunity to clean up my creative chaos as I call it. Mostly half finished watercolour paintings, wool in all shapes and sizes, paper, cards, origami dwelling on the table and taking up space on my sofa. 

What the unseen stuff means to me is how I really feel and what is important, and what I want to share with another human being.

To truly be yourself you have to let go of what was.

“Birdsong” (IN-Q)

The past determines a lot. And we are not good at letting go, we are holding grudges, struggling to forgive. It’s easier to blame whatever is not going well in our lives on someone or something else, remaining in the “victim of circumstances mindset”. 

But we cannot go back in time and change the past. Accepting what has happened and that it’s a part of us is crucial and helps to move on. 

How hard it may seem at the start: making peace with your past is the only way forward. 

Do it one step at a time, especially if there is a lot to process or to forgive. I found the act of repetition helpful because it established a positive pattern over time. It’s showed me that it’s possible to move on, even if it takes quite a few reiterations. It’s never “done” in one go anyway, you need to re-visit your wounds again and again. 

But once you’ve done it the first time and felt how it opened a door for you, it’s a feeling you will remember the next time round, and that helps you to push forward and repeat the action, trusting that turning into this direction already changes your life’s trajectory and helps you to stay on your chosen path.

That’s what the healing journey is all about.

Stay courageous and curious!

Check out IN-Q for more poems and inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/@INQonline

https://www.in-q.com/

What you can’t be with

Things have turned around one more time for me during my coaching training last year. I decided to explore the difficult emotion I am shying away from and I do not want to be with: feeling unsafe, vulnerable, confronted with uncertainty, not knowing what can happen. It is part of my heavy conditioning.

Answering the question for myself what I “cannot be with”, I was first trying to keep it at arm’s length. But one day into the “Balance” module of the co-active coaching education, I found myself willing to step into it, to be in it, and to explore it from time to time. I do not have to like it, of course. But being willing to face it is so important. How could I possibly ask my future coaching clients to go there, if I cannot face my own difficult emotions? 

It is not as easy as it might sound, though. 

There is no act of courage that does not involve taking risks, uncertainty and being emotionally exposed. Vulnerability is actually courage. 

Brené Brown (quote from Lewis Howes podcast)

We face uncertainty and unsafety every day, in different aspects of life. A war – even though far away – shaking us to the core. Democracy at stake after elections brought extremists to power. Desasters happening. Life is fragile.

Suffering is all around us and it is difficult to not let it touch us emotionally. Of course, we feel for others, we are all interconnected. Difficult situations are triggering what we would rather prefer to avoid. 

The willingness to be with what I previously thought I cannot be, is already a good first step. It feels like setting the right course. This is intense stuff, but “we can do hard things” (Brené Brown). We can actually do so much more than we think we are capable of. 

A more recent reminder about what it means to “be with it” came when reading Norma O’Kelly’s beautifully phrased LinkedIn post – I could relate to her words so well.

Trying to figure out where to move next and how, what to do. What is my path?

I definitely agree with her that learning only happens when we are in a dark place. Last year I have grown a lot exactly because of that, while waiting for it to get better, to pass. And the darkness did pass, it always does. 

Of course I know this, I’ve experienced it before, but when you are right in the very moment going through tough times, it feels frustrating and often scary.

Not all storms come to disrupt your life – some come to clear your path. 

Paulo Coelho

How to comfort myself during this lonely time of growth? Very good question. 

I guess it is about sticking with it and enduring it, knowing full well that this is what growth is about, and that we all undergo phases of ups and downs in our life. 

And most importantly, to have trust in ourselves and self-compassion for being human and having doubts.

As my psychologist put it: the human mind is programmed to uphold the current situation. Change is persona non grata. Change does upset the balance and is risky hence the inner saboteur shows up questioning my decisions and plans. 

Yes, it is risky and scary to change or even to leave my comfort zone, not knowing how things will turn out. 

To fully embrace growth, we must be willing to venture into the unknown.

Yung Pueblo

Here we go again: Uncertainty. My difficult emotion.

Re-visiting it, stepping into it more consciously and enduring the upcoming feelings of self-doubt will be my chosen exercise for the next time.

Knowing all this means: Giving myself some leeway, staying close to my feelings, paying attention to the signals. No self-punishment for being imperfect, not following the impulse to rush forward and take a rash decision.

Allowing things to unfold in their own time. Waiting for the path to reveal itself to me once I start walking on it. Even though it feels unnerving to endure it, to wait. But it takes as long as it takes. Accepting this is part of the game. In fact, that is a real test in this age of expecting instant gratification and perfect solutions.

Taking the decision to do this will probably be the starting point for things to get into motion – something I experienced before. Things are constantly changing. I am constantly changing. 

There is no reason to fear that a tough situation and all connected rollercoaster emotions will linger on forever. It just doesn’t. The mind just tends to forget it. So I need to always remind myself about it.

And yes, it feels lonely and frustrating to figure it out. The doubts come back questioning if I am doing it right. If I use my time wisely.

We need to be grateful for what we are given. For every opportunity that we have to spread love and kindness, and as well for everything we can learn during the dark times in our lives.

Venturing into the unknown, once again.


“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Can you imagine to step into it for a while?

How do you deal with the loneliness of the growth journey? What helps you to push through?

How do you handle the ever present uncertainty in your life? What do you need to endure it and hang in there?