Tag: difficult emotions

What you can’t be with

Things have turned around one more time for me during my coaching training last year. I decided to explore the difficult emotion I am shying away from and I do not want to be with: feeling unsafe, vulnerable, confronted with uncertainty, not knowing what can happen. It is part of my heavy conditioning.

Answering the question for myself what I “cannot be with”, I was first trying to keep it at arm’s length. But one day into the “Balance” module of the co-active coaching education, I found myself willing to step into it, to be in it, and to explore it from time to time. I do not have to like it, of course. But being willing to face it is so important. How could I possibly ask my future coaching clients to go there, if I cannot face my own difficult emotions? 

It is not as easy as it might sound, though. 

There is no act of courage that does not involve taking risks, uncertainty and being emotionally exposed. Vulnerability is actually courage. 

Brené Brown (quote from Lewis Howes podcast)

We face uncertainty and unsafety every day, in different aspects of life. A war – even though far away – shaking us to the core. Democracy at stake after elections brought extremists to power. Desasters happening. Life is fragile.

Suffering is all around us and it is difficult to not let it touch us emotionally. Of course, we feel for others, we are all interconnected. Difficult situations are triggering what we would rather prefer to avoid. 

The willingness to be with what I previously thought I cannot be, is already a good first step. It feels like setting the right course. This is intense stuff, but “we can do hard things” (Brené Brown). We can actually do so much more than we think we are capable of. 

A more recent reminder about what it means to “be with it” came when reading Norma O’Kelly’s beautifully phrased LinkedIn post – I could relate to her words so well.

Trying to figure out where to move next and how, what to do. What is my path?

I definitely agree with her that learning only happens when we are in a dark place. Last year I have grown a lot exactly because of that, while waiting for it to get better, to pass. And the darkness did pass, it always does. 

Of course I know this, I’ve experienced it before, but when you are right in the very moment going through tough times, it feels frustrating and often scary.

Not all storms come to disrupt your life – some come to clear your path. 

Paulo Coelho

How to comfort myself during this lonely time of growth? Very good question. 

I guess it is about sticking with it and enduring it, knowing full well that this is what growth is about, and that we all undergo phases of ups and downs in our life. 

And most importantly, to have trust in ourselves and self-compassion for being human and having doubts.

As my psychologist put it: the human mind is programmed to uphold the current situation. Change is persona non grata. Change does upset the balance and is risky hence the inner saboteur shows up questioning my decisions and plans. 

Yes, it is risky and scary to change or even to leave my comfort zone, not knowing how things will turn out. 

To fully embrace growth, we must be willing to venture into the unknown.

Yung Pueblo

Here we go again: Uncertainty. My difficult emotion.

Re-visiting it, stepping into it more consciously and enduring the upcoming feelings of self-doubt will be my chosen exercise for the next time.

Knowing all this means: Giving myself some leeway, staying close to my feelings, paying attention to the signals. No self-punishment for being imperfect, not following the impulse to rush forward and take a rash decision.

Allowing things to unfold in their own time. Waiting for the path to reveal itself to me once I start walking on it. Even though it feels unnerving to endure it, to wait. But it takes as long as it takes. Accepting this is part of the game. In fact, that is a real test in this age of expecting instant gratification and perfect solutions.

Taking the decision to do this will probably be the starting point for things to get into motion – something I experienced before. Things are constantly changing. I am constantly changing. 

There is no reason to fear that a tough situation and all connected rollercoaster emotions will linger on forever. It just doesn’t. The mind just tends to forget it. So I need to always remind myself about it.

And yes, it feels lonely and frustrating to figure it out. The doubts come back questioning if I am doing it right. If I use my time wisely.

We need to be grateful for what we are given. For every opportunity that we have to spread love and kindness, and as well for everything we can learn during the dark times in our lives.

Venturing into the unknown, once again.


“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Can you imagine to step into it for a while?

How do you deal with the loneliness of the growth journey? What helps you to push through?

How do you handle the ever present uncertainty in your life? What do you need to endure it and hang in there?

Acknowledging our own Emotions

Your default reaction to a problem or any challenging situation does not define who you are. Your chosen response does. It shows your progress, your emotional maturity.

Yung Pueblo writes a lot about this topic, and reading his words made me ponder about my reaction in situations which do not go according to (my) plan. Like unforeseen events, delays on public transport, someone making a mistake that impacts me –  anything that could be considered as changing a goalpost in the middle of a game. 

My typical first reaction is getting angry and fretting about potential disadvantages and the ensuing pressure. I want to protect myself and start blaming and complaining. I am blowing the whole thing out of proportion,  knowing it while I am doing it. I know very well that reality is different and that I am exaggerating. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I am already trying to establish my options.

Then I switch to solution mode, thinking about how I want to respond – looking at the facts and setting up a plan. But it doesn’t end there.

I move back and forth a few times between my initial reaction and my chosen response. It takes me a while to step away from the repeating cycle – let’s better call it “lamenting cycle”.

Repeating my thoughts around a problem thus making it bigger than it is, is a typical human behaviour, and it gets me into a negative mindset making the situation feeling worse and worse. It is also a complete waste of my time and energy. 

The last time I did this (after receiving incorrect advice from a tax consultant) I asked myself: do I really want to go on like this? Which purpose does it serve? How does it help me?

Although I eventually managed to stop myself from further engaging in angry monologues, for several days I still felt drawn to going back to that lamenting cycle. Surprising how strong that temptation was to continue an unproductive behaviour.

When we truly begin to let go, happiness will no longer just be our friend, it will become our home.

Yung Pueblo

I realized as well my tendency to blame someone else or “the world” or fate in that moment, instead of letting go and taking responsibility myself. It felt as if I wanted to make somebody else feel guilty about my problem.

Things outside of my control I cannot change, but I need to accept the situation and manage it with what I have got at my disposal. That’s not always easy, of course. 

What finally convinced me to calm down, was the realization how much I had learned in the past months, and that I wanted to honour these insights by choosing a new approach. After all, I knew how to do it better.

My counsellor had told me that falling back into an old habit is not failure, but only human, that it will happen again, but that I would realize in that very moment what was playing in my background and that way having the chance to respond differently, without stressing myself out. 

I know it’s not a given and will continue to be challenging each time that a difficult situation or a difficult emotion arises. But I trust it will become easier over time, especially with repetition. Structure is part of recovery: to recognize what is working and sticking with it.

What she also told me: acknowledging the emotions coming up – the undercurrent – is important and the first thing to do. Emotions need to be given the space they deserve. Jumping too fast into solution mode means ignoring the emotional side. 

That was the reason why I felt so torn between the lamenting cycle and my choice to respond differently: the emotion came back again and again, demanding to be seen and heard.

My solution orientation being my comfort zone explains why I am so used to resorting to analysing, instead of connecting with my body to feel what it’s telling me.

And what came up was my difficult emotion of course: unsafety. 

Feeling safe is a very basic need. When safety is impacted, then all other functions are compromised. In this moment, no willingness exists to understand or communicate well, to be reasonable and open. All this is overwritten, defaulting to the sole instinct reaction to protect myself. 

So that’s what I need to practice more: giving the emotions that come up their space, accepting them – but without being controlled by them. The benefit: by skipping the lamenting cycle that way, it will become easier for me to choose my intentional response. 

It is as it is – feeling unsafe will always be my difficult emotion – it won’t disappear. It belongs to me. 

I am learning to embrace it as a part of me.

your immediate reaction
does not tell you who you are
it is how you decide to respond after the reaction
that gives you real insight
into how much you have grown
your first reaction is your past
your intentional response is your present

Yung Pueblo

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Do you give it space?

How does it feel when you embrace it?