The right choice only exists in the present moment

A friend of mine who recently moved back to her home country after living and working a long time abroad in Kenia expressed her struggles to adapt, feeling torn between the two worlds and questioning whether she made the right decision.

Does this really exist: the right decision? It feels all too familiar to me: wanting to get it right, therefore spending time considering a lot of facts before making a decision. I did this often in my life. But nobody can get it perfectly right because everything is subject to change and we just aren’t clairvoyants. We don’t know how the future will unfold. 

And we could never possibly know all facts, all parametres anyway. In hindsight, we will know more, but in the very moment of decision-making we did not. 

But even with an abundance of facts and carefully weighing pros and cons, there is no guarantee that I get it right or will feel happy about it afterwards. It could work out either way.

That’s my experience with moving to other countries. Knowing a lot before making the move did not spare me inner conflict or struggles. Knowing less and following an impulse, a feeling can surprisingly work out very well on the other hand.

There is a reason why human decisions are very much based on feelings rather than facts. Where AI is binary – we most certainly are not. Only I can know if something feels right for me, but my feelings can also be quite complex and ambivalent. 

Allowing myself to rely on my intuition as an important part of what we humans call decision-making is essential, instead of pretending that it is just a fact-based process.


May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. 

(Nelson Mandela)

Moreover, decisions are always a choice, a reflection of my current circumstances and mindset. And all that inevitably evolves and changes.

It makes no sense to blame myself for a decision I made in the past. At that moment I was in a different place and in a different situation. I did not know what I know today. I was younger. My values, preferences, priorities were different, and so were my mood and my emotions. 

Things change. We change. Our perspective changes over time. Our level of maturity evolves, our health changes. 

And so we make the best decision we can under these circumstances at that point in time. That is enough.

Since I came to understand this, I don’t view it in the right/wrong context anymore. This isn’t black or white. 

The need I felt for a long time, to take the “right” decision was deeply rooted in perfectionism which developed during my childhood when I was not allowed to make mistakes. Recognizing it helped me change my perspective. 

The right choice – if I can call it that – is always a temporary thing: it only exists in the time and space we inhabit in the present moment.

Now when I make a choice I know it’s to either stay on the path I am on or take a turn somewhere at a crossroads which will spin me into a different direction. Every choice has consequences and only time will tell if I remain comfortable with them or whether I will feel the need one day to make an adjustment and take another turn.

It has a lot to do with personal values and priorities: what’s important to me? What do I need in my life? It always comes down to these questions. And we need to liberate us from other people’s expectations in this regard. I’m the one who has to live with my choice – not someone else.

Just like healing, our life journey is never unfolding in a straight line. There are lots of turns or doubling back, and that is perfectly ok. My priorities change as well over time because I am not the same person I was years ago.

Being torn between two sides facing contradictory feelings after making a choice is very normal. Again, nothing is black or white.

But no matter what we decide – even if a decision turns out not to be the optimal one – we always gain insights. We grow and develop new interests and suddenly new opportunities come our way. It’s interesting to see where life takes us when we are open. We only realize it in hindsight.

A very personal example for me is an unhappy relationship I had in my twenties. A positive event during that time however, was a holiday we spent in Ireland.
I fell in love with this country immediately. Some time later it led me to do a four months’ stage in Dublin, which in turn sparked my wish to come back to live and work in Ireland, something I eventually managed to do.  

That was a clear turning point in my life, starting to work for an international company and then, many years later moving to the Netherlands. 

I would not be where I am today had it not been for that holiday in Ireland decades ago. Many wonderful friends I found that way – some at work, some by chance encounters – I would have never met. Finding a place I call home, gaining insights about myself – sometimes through tough experiences – I am grateful for what I encountered. 

So I clearly cannot say that if I could go back in time I’d make a different choice, because then I’d be a different person with a different life. 

There is no alternative universe to explore – this life is all we have got.

Let’s make the best out of it.

Creating my own Christmas ritual


“Every time I say yes because I want validation, I am secretly rejecting myself.” That sentence I heard on the Lewis Howes podcast (episode 1828) is so true.

It made me think about how often I did that in the past. Agreeing to do something – not because I wanted it – but because I wanted to please others or just to have my peace or to avoid conflict, out of guilt or a misunderstood sense of duty or obligation. 

A typical example: going to my parents at Christmas almost every year of my life, even though I knew it would be a stressful time with lots of conflict. I could never fully relax due to the challenges my mom’s mental situation brought about. And journeying into Germany with its chronically unreliable public transport posed an additional challenge, especially before and after Christmas when lots of people were traveling. 

Looking back I realized that except for 3 or 4 times (when I was either ill or it was due to covid restrictions) I always went to my parents’ place at Christmas time. And so did my brother with his family.

It simply felt like a duty. I wanted to be a “good daughter” hence saw no other realistic option, and I wanted to avoid endless discussions and conflict. 

Year after year though I was longing for a more peaceful Christmas time, hoping that “this time it will be different”. In the weeks before Christmas I mentally prepared myself with my favourite Christmas music, carefully planning how to spend the days together. I never gave up on hope. In the end, sometimes there were less conflicts, but overall it was exhausting. 

I really like Christmas time and want to enjoy it, but reality was so much different from what I imagined and longed for. My mom overburdening everyone with her unrealistic expectations and her denial of reality had me on edge the whole time. 

Maybe celebrating Christmas is much more enjoyable when spending it with good friends who understand and respect each others’ boundaries. As weird as it sounds: even though Christmas is supposed to be a family celebration, this concept does not seem to work at all in many families.

Often I became ill after Christmas – the stress took its toll on me. When I traveled back to my place after the festive days, I always felt a wave of relief the moment I stepped onto the train, and once I got home I needed a few days to relax and get back into balance.

I never really considered using these days for staying by myself or going on vacation. Of course there are alternatives which would either allow for more restful, peaceful days, recharging your energy and enjoying the silence, or going on a trip and exploring interesting locations.

This year, after moving my parents to a care home because they could not take care of themselves anymore, I finally got to understand that taking off time for myself and prioritizing my needs is not selfish at all. It makes much more sense to visit my parents at different times, but not during the busy festive season. 

When speaking about it with a longterm friend of mine, she actually told me that she handled it that way with her dad, who in fact was the one who made it clear to her that he did not expect her to visit him at Christmas. Hearing that story something clicked into place in my head. 

So I gave it some thought and decided it’s about time that I create my own personal Christmas ritual and do what feels right for me. 

And that means: this year, I am spending Christmas eve at my home. Listening to Christmas carols and Celtic music, my Christmas tree – my memory tree – gleaming into the night. It’s cold and quiet outside and from time to time I am looking at my neighbours’ glimmering Christmas lights on their balconies and in their front gardens.

It feels good. I am much more at ease. It makes me wonder now why I did not start to question my automatic response pattern to please others years ago. Some habits are hard to break, but it’s never too late to do so. 

It’s certainly a process and I only managed it because I realized that I had to let go. Letting go of feeling responsible for my parents’ happiness, of feeling obliged and a sense of guilt. It’s not easy. A big part is acknowledging that I have no control over how other people feel.

On the 2nd Christmas Day I will take the ferry to my favourite Dutch island Terschelling and return after New Year. Enjoying peace and quiet and clean air, taking walks in the heather, the woods and at the sea, reading a lot, resting. 

Being on this island is always so deeply relaxing for me. Each time I feel refreshed and calm when I return home. It’s the perfect place for me to recharge and start the New Year well.

Wishing you all a happy and peaceful festive season, wherever you are.

Inviting unpredictability

Have a little faith. There is no black and white situation. Things always change. There is no inevitability in how an event unfolds – even if I think (or wish) there must be.

How often have I experienced that things turned out much better than expected, but before they did I was fretting about them a lot and at length. 

Of course, it is always good to be prepared and to think things through, considering options and alternatives. Nothing wrong with doing my due diligence. But often, even that turned out to be not necessary at all.

So I am trying to have more patience and trust, ultimately having confidence that things can sometimes turn out well. Adjusting my expectations and not always assuming a negative outcome by default has become an important practice for me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

There is also a flip side of course. Life is unpredictable. 

We don’t have a lot under control, but we are deluding ourselves that we do. I am very familiar with this behaviour, because I am a planner. Fear of bad events (real or imagined) is driving my need for control. 

Well, life doesn’t work like that. I am so used to attempting to eliminate bad surprises and trying to get on top of all important tasks in my life – but I know my wish is a mere illusion. 

It’s much more liberating to let go of this idea – an idea essentially rooted in perfectionism. Herein lies the real inevitability: that I am unable to control the outcome of life events.


Become comfortable with not knowing.

Eckhart Tolle

Allowing myself to experience conflicting emotions is part of the package. Questioning from time to time if I am on the right path is fully ok – I just need to hang in there. 

Letting go of things I cannot control, again and again, is important, but it’s also a real struggle. 

That’s what I learnt during the past months. Unfortunately, my parents are not happy in the care home they are living in. Of course, it was a big change at a very late point in their lives and they are understandably upset. They are grieving what they lost, lacking the strength and willpower to adjust to their new situation. Their cognitive decline makes it harder.

The aggression and resistance my brother and I were confronted with really hurt though. It’s sad to see them making themselves so unhappy. It was the right decision to move them and we waited a long time before going through with it. It’s a relief to know that they are not alone anymore and have all the help and support they need. 

We had the best intentions but of course no control over the outcome. And that’s exactly what can happen: you do something for all the right reasons, but someone else is unhappy as a result. 

I had hoped for them to make the best out of this situation and focus on the benefits it clearly has for them, but they don’t want to see it.


The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.

Rumi

To acknowledge all this, my role in it and how it made me feel, was difficult. I struggled a lot with these conflicting emotions, feeling lost, angry and sad. 

In the weeks that followed I took the time to process it all, focused on protecting myself and on letting go, bit by bit. With time, I felt lighter, easing back into balance.

Where people’s emotions are involved, things get messy. Personal sensitivities have a large influence on their decisions and override the facts of reality quite often. It’s never to be underestimated. It can be a source of hope but can also turn out to be a recipe for disaster. We just never know in advance – and that’s life.

Nevertheless, this is the tiny space where hope is living. Between the black and the white.

There is always potential in every situation, even if I cannot see it in the very moment I am in it. It can turn out either way and there is not a lot we can do about it besides inviting unpredictability into our lives, fully knowing that it’s not going to be easy. 

Ultimately, have trust in what will unfold. It’s not in our hands (not always or not fully anyway most of the time), but that does not have to be a bad thing.

Have trust. In yourself and in life.


Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.

Roy T. Bennett