What you can’t be with

Things have turned around one more time for me during my coaching training last year. I decided to explore the difficult emotion I am shying away from and I do not want to be with: feeling unsafe, vulnerable, confronted with uncertainty, not knowing what can happen. It is part of my heavy conditioning.

Answering the question for myself what I “cannot be with”, I was first trying to keep it at arm’s length. But one day into the “Balance” module of the co-active coaching education, I found myself willing to step into it, to be in it, and to explore it from time to time. I do not have to like it, of course. But being willing to face it is so important. How could I possibly ask my future coaching clients to go there, if I cannot face my own difficult emotions? 

It is not as easy as it might sound, though. 

There is no act of courage that does not involve taking risks, uncertainty and being emotionally exposed. Vulnerability is actually courage. 

Brené Brown (quote from Lewis Howes podcast)

We face uncertainty and unsafety every day, in different aspects of life. A war – even though far away – shaking us to the core. Democracy at stake after elections brought extremists to power. Desasters happening. Life is fragile.

Suffering is all around us and it is difficult to not let it touch us emotionally. Of course, we feel for others, we are all interconnected. Difficult situations are triggering what we would rather prefer to avoid. 

The willingness to be with what I previously thought I cannot be, is already a good first step. It feels like setting the right course. This is intense stuff, but “we can do hard things” (Brené Brown). We can actually do so much more than we think we are capable of. 

A more recent reminder about what it means to “be with it” came when reading Norma O’Kelly’s beautifully phrased LinkedIn post – I could relate to her words so well.

Trying to figure out where to move next and how, what to do. What is my path?

I definitely agree with her that learning only happens when we are in a dark place. Last year I have grown a lot exactly because of that, while waiting for it to get better, to pass. And the darkness did pass, it always does. 

Of course I know this, I’ve experienced it before, but when you are right in the very moment going through tough times, it feels frustrating and often scary.

Not all storms come to disrupt your life – some come to clear your path. 

Paulo Coelho

How to comfort myself during this lonely time of growth? Very good question. 

I guess it is about sticking with it and enduring it, knowing full well that this is what growth is about, and that we all undergo phases of ups and downs in our life. 

And most importantly, to have trust in ourselves and self-compassion for being human and having doubts.

As my psychologist put it: the human mind is programmed to uphold the current situation. Change is persona non grata. Change does upset the balance and is risky hence the inner saboteur shows up questioning my decisions and plans. 

Yes, it is risky and scary to change or even to leave my comfort zone, not knowing how things will turn out. 

To fully embrace growth, we must be willing to venture into the unknown.

Yung Pueblo

Here we go again: Uncertainty. My difficult emotion.

Re-visiting it, stepping into it more consciously and enduring the upcoming feelings of self-doubt will be my chosen exercise for the next time.

Knowing all this means: Giving myself some leeway, staying close to my feelings, paying attention to the signals. No self-punishment for being imperfect, not following the impulse to rush forward and take a rash decision.

Allowing things to unfold in their own time. Waiting for the path to reveal itself to me once I start walking on it. Even though it feels unnerving to endure it, to wait. But it takes as long as it takes. Accepting this is part of the game. In fact, that is a real test in this age of expecting instant gratification and perfect solutions.

Taking the decision to do this will probably be the starting point for things to get into motion – something I experienced before. Things are constantly changing. I am constantly changing. 

There is no reason to fear that a tough situation and all connected rollercoaster emotions will linger on forever. It just doesn’t. The mind just tends to forget it. So I need to always remind myself about it.

And yes, it feels lonely and frustrating to figure it out. The doubts come back questioning if I am doing it right. If I use my time wisely.

We need to be grateful for what we are given. For every opportunity that we have to spread love and kindness, and as well for everything we can learn during the dark times in our lives.

Venturing into the unknown, once again.


“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Can you imagine to step into it for a while?

How do you deal with the loneliness of the growth journey? What helps you to push through?

How do you handle the ever present uncertainty in your life? What do you need to endure it and hang in there?

You’ve come a long way, baby!

As the year is drawing to a close, let’s take this opportunity to look back for a moment. Think about how far you have come since the start of the year. Or if you prefer otherwise – in the last 3 months. Whatever time period you choose to compare against the present moment, you will notice a difference. 

You have learnt a lot, probably acquired a new skill, or stopped doing something else you suddenly discarded as not being good for you. You might have let go of old baggage, transformed an old habit or established a new one.

Either way, you have moved forward. You are a different person than you were before.

Isn’t that the way we need to be looking at our life? How far we have come, instead of regretting how far away we still are from achieving our goals or realizing our dreams?

I believe it is a much better measurement of individual success. One that isn’t apologetic or downplaying the many times when we get it right. One that’s not focusing on our imperfections or the many times we slip.

We all tend to put ourselves down a lot, unnecessarily in fact. Perfection neither does exist nor is it desirable anyway. But it blinds us to the small successes along the way: how often we try and the numerous times we do manage well – which we should be celebrating.  

The important thing is that we keep on trying, and become more aware of the chances life is offering us every day. The chance to choose a different response, and to make a difference by doing it.

We can only try to take the right decision at the time and do our best. How it will turn out eventually is not foreseeable in all aspects and beyond our control. And we only have control over ourselves, not over others or fate. 

Moving through life like this is humble, confident, and so much more joyful.

As Sia is singing in “Flames”:…Go, go, go figure it out, figure it out but don’t stop moving…. You can do this.”

Not so long ago, it was important to me to “get things right” each day – an aspiration to become who I strive to be.

Looking back on it now, I have managed meanwhile to feel happy about the stuff I sometimes do get right, and I don’t punish myself anymore for my mistakes. I accept this to be the normal life of a normal person that tries, trips and falls, learns from it and tries again to do better the next day. 

Tomorrow is always another chance to become “the best version of myself” – that phrase from my online yoga teacher Adriene really stuck with me. 


Sometimes you need to take one step back to take 2 steps forward later.

Buddhist saying

As it stands, I can look back on quite an eventful year. 

In January, I suffered from exhaustion, couldn’t work, felt overwhelmed by my physical and mental situation. 

So, I got help, and as the months passed, I learned to listen to my body, to connect with myself and to slow down. I understood how vital it is to manage my energy well. Realizing my patterns, setting boundaries, learning to give myself more credit and giving me the time needed for healing. 

It’s true: these things just take the time they need, and you cannot accelerate your healing path. In the end, I dropped my unrealistic expectations of what I should or shouldn’t do or who I should be. To just acknowledge my limitations and start out from there was – in a sense – liberating. 

And indeed, things got better with time. To summon the patience and confidence to trust the process while going through it was not always easy for me. When you are in such a the moment, then self-doubts and fear are ever-present.

But most importantly: I decided to make peace with my past. Whatever baggage I carry around is a part of me, my history. There’s no need to hide it or feel bad about it. No need to explain myself. I am enough the way I am. 

Sounds easier than it felt for me at the time. When I listened to Brother Phap Huu (Plum Village podcast “The way out is in”) talking about this concept of embracing your past and your habits, it attracted me instantly as the right thing to do, however, I did not know exactly how to do it. All I knew was I wanted to go down that path.

Turned out that the act of taking this decision was actually enough to set things in motion. Once I decided that was what I wanted, things started to move. I moved forward. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. 

I am still working on transforming my habits and know this will continue. They will not disappear by power of magic. In practical terms: the key is to understand them as part of me, but without handing them the control over my life. 

That’s all. A demystification which might help to put things into perspective. It certainly helped me to make sense of it. (In case you assumed otherwise – Buddhist practitioners are very much down to earth, that’s why their advice is so infinitely valuable.)

Bottomline: It feels good to have learnt a lot about myself this year and to have put it into practice.

Here’s to 2024 – my wishes for all of us are for new insights, more patience with ourselves, equanimity, and the courage to walk our own path.

Acknowledging our own Emotions

Your default reaction to a problem or any challenging situation does not define who you are. Your chosen response does. It shows your progress, your emotional maturity.

Yung Pueblo writes a lot about this topic, and reading his words made me ponder about my reaction in situations which do not go according to (my) plan. Like unforeseen events, delays on public transport, someone making a mistake that impacts me –  anything that could be considered as changing a goalpost in the middle of a game. 

My typical first reaction is getting angry and fretting about potential disadvantages and the ensuing pressure. I want to protect myself and start blaming and complaining. I am blowing the whole thing out of proportion,  knowing it while I am doing it. I know very well that reality is different and that I am exaggerating. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I am already trying to establish my options.

Then I switch to solution mode, thinking about how I want to respond – looking at the facts and setting up a plan. But it doesn’t end there.

I move back and forth a few times between my initial reaction and my chosen response. It takes me a while to step away from the repeating cycle – let’s better call it “lamenting cycle”.

Repeating my thoughts around a problem thus making it bigger than it is, is a typical human behaviour, and it gets me into a negative mindset making the situation feeling worse and worse. It is also a complete waste of my time and energy. 

The last time I did this (after receiving incorrect advice from a tax consultant) I asked myself: do I really want to go on like this? Which purpose does it serve? How does it help me?

Although I eventually managed to stop myself from further engaging in angry monologues, for several days I still felt drawn to going back to that lamenting cycle. Surprising how strong that temptation was to continue an unproductive behaviour.

When we truly begin to let go, happiness will no longer just be our friend, it will become our home.

Yung Pueblo

I realized as well my tendency to blame someone else or “the world” or fate in that moment, instead of letting go and taking responsibility myself. It felt as if I wanted to make somebody else feel guilty about my problem.

Things outside of my control I cannot change, but I need to accept the situation and manage it with what I have got at my disposal. That’s not always easy, of course. 

What finally convinced me to calm down, was the realization how much I had learned in the past months, and that I wanted to honour these insights by choosing a new approach. After all, I knew how to do it better.

My counsellor had told me that falling back into an old habit is not failure, but only human, that it will happen again, but that I would realize in that very moment what was playing in my background and that way having the chance to respond differently, without stressing myself out. 

I know it’s not a given and will continue to be challenging each time that a difficult situation or a difficult emotion arises. But I trust it will become easier over time, especially with repetition. Structure is part of recovery: to recognize what is working and sticking with it.

What she also told me: acknowledging the emotions coming up – the undercurrent – is important and the first thing to do. Emotions need to be given the space they deserve. Jumping too fast into solution mode means ignoring the emotional side. 

That was the reason why I felt so torn between the lamenting cycle and my choice to respond differently: the emotion came back again and again, demanding to be seen and heard.

My solution orientation being my comfort zone explains why I am so used to resorting to analysing, instead of connecting with my body to feel what it’s telling me.

And what came up was my difficult emotion of course: unsafety. 

Feeling safe is a very basic need. When safety is impacted, then all other functions are compromised. In this moment, no willingness exists to understand or communicate well, to be reasonable and open. All this is overwritten, defaulting to the sole instinct reaction to protect myself. 

So that’s what I need to practice more: giving the emotions that come up their space, accepting them – but without being controlled by them. The benefit: by skipping the lamenting cycle that way, it will become easier for me to choose my intentional response. 

It is as it is – feeling unsafe will always be my difficult emotion – it won’t disappear. It belongs to me. 

I am learning to embrace it as a part of me.

your immediate reaction
does not tell you who you are
it is how you decide to respond after the reaction
that gives you real insight
into how much you have grown
your first reaction is your past
your intentional response is your present

Yung Pueblo

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Do you give it space?

How does it feel when you embrace it?