Tag: uncertainty

What if it turns out well?

Some time ago, I was in for a surprise – once again. It wasn’t the first reminder that nothing is ever cast in stone and the only constant is change. 

During a videocall with two very knowledgeable advisors from the German and the Dutch Statutory Pension Authorities, I gained a lot of insights into my quite complex pension situation as an expat. Getting that clarity helped me to better put things in perspective. Although my situation remains complex and some of it scary and unclear, new possibilities came into view.

I had imagined walking on a narrowing pathway with a shrinking number of options – which was simply not true, and in all fairness it almost never is. There are always options, always choices. Things can change into either direction – some beneficial, some unfavorable. 

Dealing with uncertainty is uncomfortable but there’s always a chance. The overall takeaway for me was: What if things actually turn out well?

We usually assume the opposite dreading the worst case scenario: What if?

What if I lose my job and can’t find another one? What if my pension gap doesn’t allow me to live in this place I call home anymore? What if I get seriously ill? What if I lose a person dear to me? What if I completely lose my marbles when I get older?

Honestly, who would really like to dive into their future pension situation, especially if it’s not that straightforward? I had been procrastinating on it and instead spent my time worrying about the bits and pieces I knew to be problematic.

Especially the possibility of having to leave my home and moving somewhere else had occupied my thoughts and upset me for quite a while.

My mother got uprooted by world war II, had to flee her home when she was very young and could never return. Since then she carried this scar on her soul turning her into a sad and anxious person. With that in mind, everything in me resisted a similar notion becoming a reality for me, especially since I found my home only some 11 years ago – quite late in my life.

Chances are that not everything I worry about will come true, or maybe not exactly as imagined and it could be manageable. From past experience I know there is always a choice, no matter what. Weird how we easily forget about that, so ready to step into the same worrying circle once the next challenge comes along.

I cannot foresee things and don’t control most of my life. We don’t get to choose what happens to us – but we have a choice what to do about it. And sometimes that means having trust in the unknown and myself, taking one step at a time and asking for help.

To accept the increasing level of uncertainty is part of the deal, as scary as it is. What’s the alternative anyway? Worrying does not change anything. I am trying to make my peace with not knowing it all and not having all the answers, but I find myself struggling.

Constant change does offer a chance for things to work out for me, but does that make it any easier for me to let go? Not striving for control, not being able to determine the outcome? Having that trust is not easy at all. Maybe that’s my stumbling stone: I am afraid that I might not be able to handle well what comes along.

At my age things somehow feel heavier, scarier. I often catch myself remembering how I moved through life when I was younger, and how many things I did not realize then, how unfazed I was, how naive. 

Wondering why I did not see what I see now, why I perceived life so differently. Of course, I also worried then, but now the intensity is higher. In hindsight, things always become clearer. I could not know then what I do know now. Experience has shaped and changed me.

We commonly glorify past time periods thinking “everything was so much better or easier back then because xy did not exist”, but that’s nothing but a misconception. We simply were not aware of what was concealed behind the curtain. We couldn’t possibly know. 

And now? Life in the digital age has become far more complex, accelerating, its pace head-spinning. We feel overwhelmed by total transparency, are bombarded with too much information, and unfortunately, the focus is largely on the bad stuff. The veil has been lifted and it’s deeply unsettling.

But that’s not all. I am older now, in many ways less resilient, more tired, and feeling exhausted faster due to my different energy level. I know so much more now about myself, about life, and therefore, I notice more. Once you see you can’t un-see things anymore.

Life and its volatility feel far more intense. It impacts how I perceive uncertainty and it increases my fears and worries. On the other hand, what I have learnt working through my trauma enables me to navigate the obstacles life throws at me so much better.

Knowledge, even wisdom come attached with a price tag – I understand that now. I wouldn’t want to give back the valuable insights I have gained, but on the other hand I am well aware that they make my life more difficult. They are are a precious gift but feel like a curse at the same time. That’s an interesting dilemma to be faced with, and for sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.

Back to “what if it turns out well?”

Just because we can’t see something doesn’t mean it isn’t there.That goes for the sun and everything else, like the path I do not see yet or the changes that are about to happen.

When a dark cloud moves in we just need to wait until the sky clears up again to find that the sun was never gone.

But without the darkness we don’t appreciate the light. 

What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

What you can’t be with

Things have turned around one more time for me during my coaching training last year. I decided to explore the difficult emotion I am shying away from and I do not want to be with: feeling unsafe, vulnerable, confronted with uncertainty, not knowing what can happen. It is part of my heavy conditioning.

Answering the question for myself what I “cannot be with”, I was first trying to keep it at arm’s length. But one day into the “Balance” module of the co-active coaching education, I found myself willing to step into it, to be in it, and to explore it from time to time. I do not have to like it, of course. But being willing to face it is so important. How could I possibly ask my future coaching clients to go there, if I cannot face my own difficult emotions? 

It is not as easy as it might sound, though. 

There is no act of courage that does not involve taking risks, uncertainty and being emotionally exposed. Vulnerability is actually courage. 

Brené Brown (quote from Lewis Howes podcast)

We face uncertainty and unsafety every day, in different aspects of life. A war – even though far away – shaking us to the core. Democracy at stake after elections brought extremists to power. Desasters happening. Life is fragile.

Suffering is all around us and it is difficult to not let it touch us emotionally. Of course, we feel for others, we are all interconnected. Difficult situations are triggering what we would rather prefer to avoid. 

The willingness to be with what I previously thought I cannot be, is already a good first step. It feels like setting the right course. This is intense stuff, but “we can do hard things” (Brené Brown). We can actually do so much more than we think we are capable of. 

A more recent reminder about what it means to “be with it” came when reading Norma O’Kelly’s beautifully phrased LinkedIn post – I could relate to her words so well.

Trying to figure out where to move next and how, what to do. What is my path?

I definitely agree with her that learning only happens when we are in a dark place. Last year I have grown a lot exactly because of that, while waiting for it to get better, to pass. And the darkness did pass, it always does. 

Of course I know this, I’ve experienced it before, but when you are right in the very moment going through tough times, it feels frustrating and often scary.

Not all storms come to disrupt your life – some come to clear your path. 

Paulo Coelho

How to comfort myself during this lonely time of growth? Very good question. 

I guess it is about sticking with it and enduring it, knowing full well that this is what growth is about, and that we all undergo phases of ups and downs in our life. 

And most importantly, to have trust in ourselves and self-compassion for being human and having doubts.

As my psychologist put it: the human mind is programmed to uphold the current situation. Change is persona non grata. Change does upset the balance and is risky hence the inner saboteur shows up questioning my decisions and plans. 

Yes, it is risky and scary to change or even to leave my comfort zone, not knowing how things will turn out. 

To fully embrace growth, we must be willing to venture into the unknown.

Yung Pueblo

Here we go again: Uncertainty. My difficult emotion.

Re-visiting it, stepping into it more consciously and enduring the upcoming feelings of self-doubt will be my chosen exercise for the next time.

Knowing all this means: Giving myself some leeway, staying close to my feelings, paying attention to the signals. No self-punishment for being imperfect, not following the impulse to rush forward and take a rash decision.

Allowing things to unfold in their own time. Waiting for the path to reveal itself to me once I start walking on it. Even though it feels unnerving to endure it, to wait. But it takes as long as it takes. Accepting this is part of the game. In fact, that is a real test in this age of expecting instant gratification and perfect solutions.

Taking the decision to do this will probably be the starting point for things to get into motion – something I experienced before. Things are constantly changing. I am constantly changing. 

There is no reason to fear that a tough situation and all connected rollercoaster emotions will linger on forever. It just doesn’t. The mind just tends to forget it. So I need to always remind myself about it.

And yes, it feels lonely and frustrating to figure it out. The doubts come back questioning if I am doing it right. If I use my time wisely.

We need to be grateful for what we are given. For every opportunity that we have to spread love and kindness, and as well for everything we can learn during the dark times in our lives.

Venturing into the unknown, once again.


“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Can you imagine to step into it for a while?

How do you deal with the loneliness of the growth journey? What helps you to push through?

How do you handle the ever present uncertainty in your life? What do you need to endure it and hang in there?

How to navigate these times of uncertainty

“We must not lose faith”, my colleague Elena recently said to me. How true. I have been thinking about it ever since. More than one month now into the madness of this terrible war in Ukraine, unfolding while we are watching, often in real time through social media, how people lose their homes and their lives, cities being reduced to ashes. One month that has shattered quite a few firm-held beliefs, exposed illusions and left us severely concerned for the future.

But it also brought so many of us closer together, standing firm in our resolve to do the right thing and not let evil win. Hanging in midair between desperate hope and deepest sorrow. If only the power of our thoughts could make it all end – and yet it doesn’t.

I am certainly not the only one feeling this way, that’s why we see so much determination among people, so many outstretched hands and support. People go out of their way to help.

We have to hold on. No matter how nerve-wrecking it may be, how easy it might seem to slip into despair. We got to have faith and hold on even more. We owe it to those experiencing unfathomable suffering. We need to be strong – for their sake.

Yes, our influence on what happens is very limited. But I feel that we nevertheless must conjure the power of good, relentlessly. To create a counterbalance that will turn the ship around one day. 

“I can’t say I have confidence in the future, but I have a lot of confidence in its unpredictability, based on the fact that the past has regularly delivered surprises…. We need to have confidence that surprise and uncertainty are unshakable principles, if we want to have confidence in something. And recognize that in that uncertainty is room to act, to try to shape a future that will be determined by what we do in the present.” (Rebecca Solnit)

In the space of the past weeks we had our share of surprises already. And so had our governments, realizing that their citizens are far more decent and reasonable in the face of adversity than they had previously assumed. Yes, people take responsibility, in many different ways, often unusual and surprising.

Proving again that most people are indeed pretty decent. The worse the situation gets the more we must be at our best. And that is the only thing we can do. Good and evil usually lie very close to one other in daily life. Sometimes, they are even two sides of the same coin. What does matter is on which side we decide to focus on.

It’s good to remind ourselves that nothing is perfect in any way: not people, nor their behaviour nor any decisions taken. It can always only be as good as it gets. We need to bear that in mind, as there never is a perfect solution. But focusing on the good does make a real difference, and effecting change inevitably requires making adjustments while moving along. We’ll get there.

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. (Desmond Tutu)

Only in the darkness can you see the stars. (Martin Luther King)

At first, I was watching the news daily, almost continuously, longing from day to day for the war to finally stop, hoping not more lives to get lost, not more destruction to happen. As if turning away somehow meant abandoning these people in my thoughts.

Imagine having to flee your country because your life is threatened, but knowing full well the place you called home could be erased from the map forever. What a profound sadness this evokes. I understand how people can get uprooted by such a traumatic experience of losing everything they hold dear.

However, we are doomed to watch from the sidelines. Failing to push events to the back of my mind, I struggled to focus on my own life which did me no good. Once these images entered into my dreams at night I just couldn’t go on like this. That’s when I drastically reduced my news intake. 

What also really helped to calm me down was taking care of a little lamb in my friends’ flock of sheep. It is the second time in the last years that I am helping to raise a lamb, and spending time with these peaceful animals in the stable every evening, knowing they trust me, is so good for the heart and soul. 

My hope is on the things we don’t see, things going on behind the scenes, hidden from our view. The people who covertly connect, negotiate and work on solutions. I put my hopes on them. Not all is lost. Help is coming from unexpected sides as well, and maybe we will never even know about all of it.

We Europeans are painfully aware of how much more is at stake now. It’s also our freedom which is being defended in Ukraine. 

There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’ No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster. (Dalai Lama)

It is hard to bear looking evil in the face – and that’s what we are doing, listening to the pleas for help knowing full well we ordinary citizens cannot do more. While hoping for a miracle where to turn our thoughts? And what to focus on?

It does not help anyone to put our own lives on hold. We need to uphold ourselves and others in these times of uncertainty, sending signals of hope in the dark:

  • Getting involved helping the refugees of war in whatever manner we can. It might feel like a small contribution but it aids healing and gives a sense of purpose.
  • However horrible it is what we are witnessing: the world doesn’t stop turning and there are people who need us to be at our best: our children, friends or colleagues, or whoever is in need of a helping hand. 
  • Continuing to share our knowledge, particularly with the young, supporting them and making them stronger, is one of the best investments into the future.
  • Be creative. Creation is the opposite of destruction. It enlightens our hearts, and bears witness to the resilient human spirit.
  • Taking care of our mental health is essential. To witness a war unfolding up close is a nightmare, so cut yourself some slack, and take time to re-charge, particularly if involved as a volunteer in helping the refugees. And avoid consuming news in any form in the evening if you want to get a good nights’ sleep.
  • It is not wrong to cherish and appreciate the good we have. We need to enjoy what life offers us. Carpe diem.
  • Be more conscious of the beauty of ordinary things, grateful for their existence and the joy they give us in this very moment. They will keep us grounded. 

This is very much a reminder of our own mortality and how to use our time on earth well.

I will never apologize for embracing joy and beauty – even when the world is falling apart – because joy and beauty are my fuel for activism. (Karen Walrond)

The pointless and evil can never win. That I do believe.