Month: December 2025

“Every time I say yes because I want validation, I am secretly rejecting myself.” That sentence I heard on the Lewis Howes podcast (episode 1828) is so true.

It made me think about how often I did that in the past. Agreeing to do something – not because I wanted it – but because I wanted to please others or just to have my peace or to avoid conflict, out of guilt or a misunderstood sense of duty or obligation. 

A typical example: going to my parents at Christmas almost every year of my life, even though I knew it would be a stressful time with lots of conflict. I could never fully relax due to the challenges my mom’s mental situation brought about. And journeying into Germany with its chronically unreliable public transport posed an additional challenge, especially before and after Christmas when lots of people were traveling. 

Looking back I realized that except for 3 or 4 times (when I was either ill or it was due to covid restrictions) I always went to my parents’ place at Christmas time. And so did my brother with his family.

It simply felt like a duty. I wanted to be a “good daughter” hence saw no other realistic option, and I wanted to avoid endless discussions and conflict. 

Year after year though I was longing for a more peaceful Christmas time, hoping that “this time it will be different”. In the weeks before Christmas I mentally prepared myself with my favourite Christmas music, carefully planning how to spend the days together. I never gave up on hope. In the end, sometimes there were less conflicts, but overall it was exhausting. 

I really like Christmas time and want to enjoy it, but reality was so much different from what I imagined and longed for. My mom overburdening everyone with her unrealistic expectations and her denial of reality had me on edge the whole time. 

Maybe celebrating Christmas is much more enjoyable when spending it with good friends who understand and respect each others’ boundaries. As weird as it sounds: even though Christmas is supposed to be a family celebration, this concept does not seem to work at all in many families.

Often I became ill after Christmas – the stress took its toll on me. When I traveled back to my place after the festive days, I always felt a wave of relief the moment I stepped onto the train, and once I got home I needed a few days to relax and get back into balance.

I never really considered using these days for staying by myself or going on vacation. Of course there are alternatives which would either allow for more restful, peaceful days, recharging your energy and enjoying the silence, or going on a trip and exploring interesting locations.

This year, after moving my parents to a care home because they could not take care of themselves anymore, I finally got to understand that taking off time for myself and prioritizing my needs is not selfish at all. It makes much more sense to visit my parents at different times, but not during the busy festive season. 

When speaking about it with a longterm friend of mine, she actually told me that she handled it that way with her dad, who in fact was the one who made it clear to her that he did not expect her to visit him at Christmas. Hearing that story something clicked into place in my head. 

So I gave it some thought and decided it’s about time that I create my own personal Christmas ritual and do what feels right for me. 

And that means: this year, I am spending Christmas eve at my home. Listening to Christmas carols and Celtic music, my Christmas tree – my memory tree – gleaming into the night. It’s cold and quiet outside and from time to time I am looking at my neighbours’ glimmering Christmas lights on their balconies and in their front gardens.

It feels good. I am much more at ease. It makes me wonder now why I did not start to question my automatic response pattern to please others years ago. Some habits are hard to break, but it’s never too late to do so. 

It’s certainly a process and I only managed it because I realized that I had to let go. Letting go of feeling responsible for my parents’ happiness, of feeling obliged and a sense of guilt. It’s not easy. A big part is acknowledging that I have no control over how other people feel.

On the 2nd Christmas Day I will take the ferry to my favourite Dutch island Terschelling and return after New Year. Enjoying peace and quiet and clean air, taking walks in the heather, the woods and at the sea, reading a lot, resting. 

Being on this island is always so deeply relaxing for me. Each time I feel refreshed and calm when I return home. It’s the perfect place for me to recharge and start the New Year well.

Wishing you all a happy and peaceful festive season, wherever you are.