Author: Christiane Otto

Furthering mutual understanding and togetherness to make the world a better place

The balance between hope and despair

The concept of fairness is deeply ingrained in us. Like a red thread running through our lives, a structure that makes it easier to find our way – a Northern star guiding our decisions.

It determines how we treat others. For most of us, it is self-evident.

But sometimes we hit a wall. Something happens that suddenly throws us off balance. We lose a loved one. We lose our job. Accidents happen, disaster strikes, we get seriously ill… 

This can trigger a reflex making us ask: why me? What did I do to deserve it? Could I have prepared myself better, or somehow prevented it?

Interestingly, we think that we are somehow responsible, beating ourselves up for it, instead of acknowledging that this is just life – a random event happening which never follows the principle of fairness. 

To be a good person striving to do the right thing is unfortunately no guarantee to prevent bad things from happening to us. Fairness is rather an expectation we carry around: an expectation that life should be fair, if we just take the right decisions and behave in a just manner.

The frustrating realization that the world is actually not fair shows the deep disappointment we feel when someone else (or the universe for that matter) doesn’t keep their part of the (expected) bargain. 

We expect the world to be different. We even raise our children to act in a fair manner, to treat others well – like we want to be treated ourselves. And it’s in fact our children who remind us by shouting out “that’s not fair” that they indeed have a very good sense of how things ought to be.

It also triggers a deep fear when realizing that what we took for granted is suddenly caving in like a house of cards. We feel that we lose control falling into a bottomless pit. It is scary. It is threatening. That’s why the reflex in us is so strong to deny it: we are trying to run away from our suffering.

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

It takes courage to embrace our suffering, to endure a difficult and painful situation and not give up. Especially when it is challenging our beliefs and our inner framework. It can happen anytime and to everyone, and we cannot prepare ourselves for it.

It helps to understand that bad events happening to us are a part of life.

But our inner values and principles which are guiding us, are another part of it. 

These two are not mutually exclusive but rather different companions on our life’s journey. We will encounter the whole spectrum of it all the time. And we cannot expect to have one without the other.

The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope. (Barack Obama)

But what we can control is how we deal with what comes our way. The world becomes what we make of it, and that’s visible every day. 

Everything we convey through your actions or inaction, each word we say or don’t, each act of kindness or the opposite, changes the world. It makes a difference. So, let’s become more aware of how much influence we actually have. On others and on ourselves.

Does a bad thing happening to me make me question my approach in life? Does it make me lose my faith in myself and others? In humanity?

Would I throw my beliefs overboard?

I believe that hanging on to what is guiding me in life is even more important in such testing situations. There is a reason for why I have decided long ago to live my life based on certain principles.

What we can do:

  • Moving through it with patience and compassion for yourself is very important, in whatever sort of such situation you are. To have others supporting you is wonderful, but don’t forget to support yourself in the same way: speak kindly to yourself.
  • Ground yourself, calm yourself down, simply to avoid your nervous system going into overdrive. Meditation and breathing exercises can be a very powerful tool to help.
  • Cry when you feel like it. Once you stop you will notice that the earth has not opened up and swallowed you. You are still there. And then allow yourself time and space to heal. 

Nothing is as important as my peace, my joy. I smile to everything, even to my suffering, my difficulties. That is a practice of freedom. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

It is hard to lean into our pain, while staying confident and trusting ourselves at the same time. But it is important not to ignore the pain. Acknowledge it, but at the same time do not give up hope. Savour the precious moments of joy in your life.

We have every reason to trust that we can move through the hardships in life. Because there is constant change – in either way, hence also to the positive.

Trust yourself.

————————————————————

If you are interested in meditation and finding inner peace, I can recommend the Plum Village App.

The podcast “The Way Out Is In” offers profound, insightful conversations based on Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings of Buddhist philosophy.

Becoming ourselves

We shall not stay attached to our views, and we certainly cannot do it anyway in the long run, simply because we do change. And so do our views. We learn so much more during our lifetime, and that keeps on changing us. 

This Buddhist concept of impermanence is actually something very positive, because it offers development, growth, using our potential. It offers new experiences, new pathways to be walked on, new opportunities for happiness.

It might sound sad at first, that everything disappears eventually and nothing stays the same. We are clinging to notions or things, often desperately, even if they are harmful for ourselves, because we don’t want to let go. Change scares us. We do not know what the future will bring, and we want to eliminate the insecurity which we fear might throw us off balance. It feels easier to stay within our comfort zone. But isn’t the potential for growth outside of it?

Do not think for one minute that because you are who you are, you cannot be who you imagine yourself to be. (Jedidah Isler)

We never stop evolving. And it is never done with a one time learning. 

Think about when you do a training or learn something new. If you do not apply it in your daily life, you lose it. It slips away to the back of your mind and you cannot even remember a lot of it after some time. It needs constant practice to become part of your daily routine – work-wise or in private life.

When we learn and evolve we take a step forward. We might experience setbacks, but we need to get up and continue. And take another step. Re-iterate the learning process. There is constant repetition. If we are open for it. Even though it is often painful, exhausting and frustrating.

Having a moment of enlightenment about ourselves, especially about changing our direction in life, does not mean this is a one time event, once and for all, and then we can just go on into this new direction we found, and everything will be fine. 

To be very clear: it is just one step on our continuous journey. We change direction, we change ourselves and how we see life and feel about ourselves, what we do and how we want to live. Nothing remains the same.

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. (Lao Tzu)

It took me some time to acknowledge that the difficulties we inevitably experience in life are not something being thrown at us from an evil force to make us miserable. These are actually lessons and exercises we need to go through. And they come in phases. This is just life with all its colours.

Instead of shying away I know now that I actively need to embrace my struggles as an opportunity to learn, change and question my approach in life over and over again, and then transform myself. Clinging to the past might feel comfortable, but I won’t get back what has already passed.

The element of fear is always present, of course. Fear of not managing the change well, of failure with ensuing despair and unhappiness. The fear of the unknown essentially, of insecurity is always lurking in the background.

The usual question “What is the right decision?” comes into my mind every time, however there is not a real right or wrong, it is just a turn into a different direction opening a door to a new world. I also recognize this very strong human desire in me, to apply a final fix and then be happy and have everything sorted in my life. It sometimes feels scary to realize that I am on my own with the decisions I take.

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

What is really important though, is not to beat ourselves up for going through a difficult time again when we already had a similar experience in the past and learnt out of it. We applied our knowledge at that time well and evolved. Now something is coming back – not exactly to haunt us – but to show us that we are not done yet (which we never are), or that something else has changed in the meantime forcing us to face it now.  

My recurring theme in that regard is my strong discipline that I often use to soldier on in a stress situation, ignoring my body’s clear signals for rest, until realizing that my re-surfacing health problems are already a cry for help and that I need to stop, listen and slow down. And that I need to change direction in my life.

Becoming aware of the situation faster and reaching out for help and resources quickly is already a good sign of applied learning from past experience. With time, I got to know myself and the traps I tend to fall into much better.

The package everyone of us carries around – based on how we grew up and our past life experiences – is heavy and does not disappear. The habits we developed are a result of this package, and that’s why the saying “old habits die hard”, describes it so aptly: we cannot get fully rid of it. But we can learn to manage it through a lot of self-awareness and kind reflection, and the will to move forward and eventually beyond it.

While accepting – very importantly – that we are only human, thus never expecting perfection. Being too hard on ourselves for something that we continue to carry around, is not going to do us any good, but is actually a self-created obstacle.

Life is a journey, not a destination. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

So, what to do? Take stock, get clarity about what is going on and why, how we feel about it, and then decide what to do next. We feel in our heart that something is clearly off, and it’s important to find our peace and restore our inner balance.

Easier said than done, as it is of course, far more complex than solving a school assignment or finding a good solution for a work task. That’s why talking to a counselor in such a situation helps a lot, because these professionals can bring our inner thoughts to the surface, helping us to gain valuable insights. 

My experience with such conversations has been thoroughly positive, and I did it more than once in my life. The feedback received about my thoughts and attitudes brought me more clarity because it held a mirror to my face. Whatever insights I gained was never anything that I had not been aware of before deep down within me, but I actually needed to hear it from another person.

And don’t forget: it takes as long as it takes. Impatience is not gonna help. 

It is indeed a journey. 

Longing for Utopia, and why we need to go on nevertheless

Garden centres always make me happy. Looking at the abundance  of plants blooming, the many people around me admiring them, watching what they pick and buy, taking home little pieces of beauty for their gardens and balconies. Strolling through the lanes full of colours and scents, buzzing insects sitting on flowers, I take my time to enjoy the sights. 

A piece of paradise.

The same goes for gardens, whether it’s an impressive botanical garden or your neighbour’s small private paradise behind the fence. They stand for getting on with life, planting seeds that one day turn into something amazing. No matter what dies or gets broken, life is always coming back. Each year. People with a garden don’t give up. 

It lifts my heart to observe nature awakening, blooming and spreading so fast, almost like an explosion of greenery. Makes it easy to be happy and thankful for these lavish botanical gifts – which are for everyone to enjoy, and can help chasing away the dark clouds in our minds.

Finding and holding on to the good amidst the bad is how we carry on in life. I had to remind myself lately that it is the only way to move on and find some peace. Not expecting things to turn out perfect. Just loving what is, enjoying the good I see, and otherwise, accepting imperfect life happening. Not wasting my time fighting reality. 

Until the mind is open, the heart stays closed. The open mind is the key to the open heart. Byron Katie

Many of us are in such a constant fight though. Whenever an idea is brought forward, an invention that will make a difference, a decision that has the potential to chart the course into a positive direction, it does not even take a minute for doubts being voiced and concerns raised. Because “not everything has been perfectly thought through”. Because there are flaws in the concept – which is normal.

Fighting climate change? Of course, but having to change our lifestyle for it? 

Eliminating hate content on Facebook through organizations fact-checking posts? Yes, but we don’t want our right to free speech to be curbed. And they cannot do it right or well enough anyway.

It’s always coming down to “yes, but”.

One recent example actually made me laugh. German government introduced a flat rate ticket for 9 Euro allowing people unlimited travel on local/regional transport services during one selected month in the summer. A great idea. Within days, 7 million tickets were sold – which speaks for itself. 

Well, it did not take long for complaints to start. Train infrastructure and delays being a notorious problem in Germany, the system was overwhelmed quickly by the sudden increasing demand. No surprise. 

These complaints on social media convey a very typical picture for picking apart a good idea because it is not perfect. One comment even demanded that “first the train system should be improved before launching such an initiative”. 

A large number of people liked this move nevertheless, otherwise, they would not have bought the ticket. Taking bumps in the process into account is part of the deal. Not everyone wants to accept it though, but on the other hand, you can never please everybody.

Complaining about each and everything because of lack of perfection is a behaviour I often perceive. Very easy to do of course, because nothing on earth ever will be perfect. Whatever decision I am looking at in life – I could always complain about it if I wanted to (in German we call it “looking for the hair in the soup”).

To stay in the above example: what’s better? Do nothing and wait for the day to come when everything is perfectly prepared and then launch this program? Or rather launch it well knowing there will be problems, for which solutions need to be found anyway? Thereby creating an opportunity and the  pressure to tackle them.

That’s how progress and change is initiated. Whatever does not function well, suddenly becomes visible and directs focus. It is a manner of speeding up the solution-finding process. It takes courage though. 

When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless. Byron Katie

Expecting perfection in life can only bring disappointment. There will never be a time when everything is in perfect balance, or things working out always to our advantage. We might wish for a life with less disturbances, less worries, problems, fears, pain, and obstacles in our way. It is a very human desire. But that’s not how life works.

Even for the big challenges the world is facing, we would very much prefer perfect solutions. To have it all done and over with in one go: climate change, wars, inequality, injustice, oppression. We just want it to stop, as if by magic. Someone please, take a decision and then the nightmare would be over.

Exhausted, we are desperately longing for Utopia. A place without sorrows or fears, calm and serene. 

I understand this desire so very well and I share it. Thoughts like this are going through my mind quite often.

Doesn’t matter what it is about and in which context – at work, at home, in politics… Wouldn’t it be great if other people just did what I wanted? To be more kind, peaceful, tolerant, patient, organized, reasonable, … the list is endless. Frustrating and useless thoughts. 

I should rather be happy every time something works out, a right decision is taken, or a move initiated into a good direction. Never being content with whatever happens is a strong human reflex, and – on the positive side – a driver of change.

As much as I long for everything to be in harmony one day, I have to say goodbye to this wishful thinking. I won’t live to see solutions being found to all problems of humanity in my lifetime. It will go on long after I am gone.

Loving what is – as Byron Katie advocates in “The Work” – does not mean to endure injustice. It means not fighting reality. Acknowledging the inevitable fallibility of humankind. Fighting against windmills does not change a thing and serves nobody – it only wastes my precious time and energy.

Hoping for Utopia and trying to get at least part of it realized is not wrong, and we need to continue holding on to this dream.

But we need to approach it with more focus, without hesitation and with courage, while achieving peace of mind for ourselves.

Don’t forget: whatever good we manage to bring into this world, however small it is – it is a little piece of paradise already.

And it can tip the scale one day.