Category: 2023

You’ve come a long way, baby!

As the year is drawing to a close, let’s take this opportunity to look back for a moment. Think about how far you have come since the start of the year. Or if you prefer otherwise – in the last 3 months. Whatever time period you choose to compare against the present moment, you will notice a difference. 

You have learnt a lot, probably acquired a new skill, or stopped doing something else you suddenly discarded as not being good for you. You might have let go of old baggage, transformed an old habit or established a new one.

Either way, you have moved forward. You are a different person than you were before.

Isn’t that the way we need to be looking at our life? How far we have come, instead of regretting how far away we still are from achieving our goals or realizing our dreams?

I believe it is a much better measurement of individual success. One that isn’t apologetic or downplaying the many times when we get it right. One that’s not focusing on our imperfections or the many times we slip.

We all tend to put ourselves down a lot, unnecessarily in fact. Perfection neither does exist nor is it desirable anyway. But it blinds us to the small successes along the way: how often we try and the numerous times we do manage well – which we should be celebrating.  

The important thing is that we keep on trying, and become more aware of the chances life is offering us every day. The chance to choose a different response, and to make a difference by doing it.

We can only try to take the right decision at the time and do our best. How it will turn out eventually is not foreseeable in all aspects and beyond our control. And we only have control over ourselves, not over others or fate. 

Moving through life like this is humble, confident, and so much more joyful.

As Sia is singing in “Flames”:…Go, go, go figure it out, figure it out but don’t stop moving…. You can do this.”

Not so long ago, it was important to me to “get things right” each day – an aspiration to become who I strive to be.

Looking back on it now, I have managed meanwhile to feel happy about the stuff I sometimes do get right, and I don’t punish myself anymore for my mistakes. I accept this to be the normal life of a normal person that tries, trips and falls, learns from it and tries again to do better the next day. 

Tomorrow is always another chance to become “the best version of myself” – that phrase from my online yoga teacher Adriene really stuck with me. 


Sometimes you need to take one step back to take 2 steps forward later.

Buddhist saying

As it stands, I can look back on quite an eventful year. 

In January, I suffered from exhaustion, couldn’t work, felt overwhelmed by my physical and mental situation. 

So, I got help, and as the months passed, I learned to listen to my body, to connect with myself and to slow down. I understood how vital it is to manage my energy well. Realizing my patterns, setting boundaries, learning to give myself more credit and giving me the time needed for healing. 

It’s true: these things just take the time they need, and you cannot accelerate your healing path. In the end, I dropped my unrealistic expectations of what I should or shouldn’t do or who I should be. To just acknowledge my limitations and start out from there was – in a sense – liberating. 

And indeed, things got better with time. To summon the patience and confidence to trust the process while going through it was not always easy for me. When you are in such a the moment, then self-doubts and fear are ever-present.

But most importantly: I decided to make peace with my past. Whatever baggage I carry around is a part of me, my history. There’s no need to hide it or feel bad about it. No need to explain myself. I am enough the way I am. 

Sounds easier than it felt for me at the time. When I listened to Brother Phap Huu (Plum Village podcast “The way out is in”) talking about this concept of embracing your past and your habits, it attracted me instantly as the right thing to do, however, I did not know exactly how to do it. All I knew was I wanted to go down that path.

Turned out that the act of taking this decision was actually enough to set things in motion. Once I decided that was what I wanted, things started to move. I moved forward. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. 

I am still working on transforming my habits and know this will continue. They will not disappear by power of magic. In practical terms: the key is to understand them as part of me, but without handing them the control over my life. 

That’s all. A demystification which might help to put things into perspective. It certainly helped me to make sense of it. (In case you assumed otherwise – Buddhist practitioners are very much down to earth, that’s why their advice is so infinitely valuable.)

Bottomline: It feels good to have learnt a lot about myself this year and to have put it into practice.

Here’s to 2024 – my wishes for all of us are for new insights, more patience with ourselves, equanimity, and the courage to walk our own path.

Acknowledging our own Emotions

Your default reaction to a problem or any challenging situation does not define who you are. Your chosen response does. It shows your progress, your emotional maturity.

Yung Pueblo writes a lot about this topic, and reading his words made me ponder about my reaction in situations which do not go according to (my) plan. Like unforeseen events, delays on public transport, someone making a mistake that impacts me –  anything that could be considered as changing a goalpost in the middle of a game. 

My typical first reaction is getting angry and fretting about potential disadvantages and the ensuing pressure. I want to protect myself and start blaming and complaining. I am blowing the whole thing out of proportion,  knowing it while I am doing it. I know very well that reality is different and that I am exaggerating. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I am already trying to establish my options.

Then I switch to solution mode, thinking about how I want to respond – looking at the facts and setting up a plan. But it doesn’t end there.

I move back and forth a few times between my initial reaction and my chosen response. It takes me a while to step away from the repeating cycle – let’s better call it “lamenting cycle”.

Repeating my thoughts around a problem thus making it bigger than it is, is a typical human behaviour, and it gets me into a negative mindset making the situation feeling worse and worse. It is also a complete waste of my time and energy. 

The last time I did this (after receiving incorrect advice from a tax consultant) I asked myself: do I really want to go on like this? Which purpose does it serve? How does it help me?

Although I eventually managed to stop myself from further engaging in angry monologues, for several days I still felt drawn to going back to that lamenting cycle. Surprising how strong that temptation was to continue an unproductive behaviour.

When we truly begin to let go, happiness will no longer just be our friend, it will become our home.

Yung Pueblo

I realized as well my tendency to blame someone else or “the world” or fate in that moment, instead of letting go and taking responsibility myself. It felt as if I wanted to make somebody else feel guilty about my problem.

Things outside of my control I cannot change, but I need to accept the situation and manage it with what I have got at my disposal. That’s not always easy, of course. 

What finally convinced me to calm down, was the realization how much I had learned in the past months, and that I wanted to honour these insights by choosing a new approach. After all, I knew how to do it better.

My counsellor had told me that falling back into an old habit is not failure, but only human, that it will happen again, but that I would realize in that very moment what was playing in my background and that way having the chance to respond differently, without stressing myself out. 

I know it’s not a given and will continue to be challenging each time that a difficult situation or a difficult emotion arises. But I trust it will become easier over time, especially with repetition. Structure is part of recovery: to recognize what is working and sticking with it.

What she also told me: acknowledging the emotions coming up – the undercurrent – is important and the first thing to do. Emotions need to be given the space they deserve. Jumping too fast into solution mode means ignoring the emotional side. 

That was the reason why I felt so torn between the lamenting cycle and my choice to respond differently: the emotion came back again and again, demanding to be seen and heard.

My solution orientation being my comfort zone explains why I am so used to resorting to analysing, instead of connecting with my body to feel what it’s telling me.

And what came up was my difficult emotion of course: unsafety. 

Feeling safe is a very basic need. When safety is impacted, then all other functions are compromised. In this moment, no willingness exists to understand or communicate well, to be reasonable and open. All this is overwritten, defaulting to the sole instinct reaction to protect myself. 

So that’s what I need to practice more: giving the emotions that come up their space, accepting them – but without being controlled by them. The benefit: by skipping the lamenting cycle that way, it will become easier for me to choose my intentional response. 

It is as it is – feeling unsafe will always be my difficult emotion – it won’t disappear. It belongs to me. 

I am learning to embrace it as a part of me.

your immediate reaction
does not tell you who you are
it is how you decide to respond after the reaction
that gives you real insight
into how much you have grown
your first reaction is your past
your intentional response is your present

Yung Pueblo

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Do you give it space?

How does it feel when you embrace it?

Our lifelong healing journey

We feel naturally drawn to sharing with others the valuable insights we have gained during a crucial phase in our own lives. 

Once we start tackling our challenges, like trying to transform a habit or making changes in our life to improve our health and wellbeing, and we see the first signs of success, we start to think about sharing what we have learnt with others. 

Because that what helped us so well could also help them overcoming their own struggles. Such inspiration is always useful, even if only a tiny portion of it is taken away.

Peer deeply into yourself. There is a source of strength that will always spring up, if only you look.

Marcus Aurelius

Whatever resource I tapped into during the past 8 months of my recovery, there was always some hidden truth, some new and useful aspect. So I tried out the advice I found, took away the parts of it that served me and implemented them in my daily life. Building a very individual mosaic of helpful new structures that way – to support and to heal myself.

And it doesn’t matter how obvious some of the learnings might appear in hindsight. When we are ill, desperate or stressed out, we cannot see clearly. The mind is blocked. That’s why it is so essential to hear someone else pointing out the obvious. For me personally, that is often all it takes to turn things around.

Part of the learning and healing process is the eye opener when realizing our own tunnel vision: as if we were the only ones struggling, and all others had it easier. That is of course not so, and in our head we do know it. But it is the feeling which is creeping up and isolating us from ourselves during that difficult time.

The trials we undergo shape our views and self-perceptions. They also make us better coaches or advisors – whatever role we may choose to be of service to others.

A hero is one who heals their own wounds and then shows others how to do the same.

Yung Pueblo

The mission some people have is often borne out of their own problems and life experiences, and the ensuing desire to help others suffer less by sharing their stories. This applies to many inspiring speakers, podcast hosts or authors who have gone through difficult situations in their lives which left a significant impact on them.

Now, they focus on empowering others by helping them grow and giving them agency over their own lives.

When such people openly talk about how much they still struggle themselves while working on their own issues, not only does it increase their credibility but to hear it feels like a sort of relief.

Why is this aspect so particularly important?

We might think that the person in the spotlight has managed to fully heal themselves and moved beyond their problems. We might perceive them as someone who has successfully achieved the peace of mind we aspire to. But there is no such black and white situation. 

Don’t ever think that the author of a helpful book or podcast always handles life’s ups and downs in a successful manner. It’s a common misconception to assume that they have forever transformed their lives. But being human as everyone else they have their very own baggage to carry.

Everyone has their inner voice telling them “not good enough” – no matter how successful that person might appear from the outside. Especially in the face of adversity the “inner saboteur” comes to the surface so easily. 

But listening to their very personal stories of why and how they struggle and what they learnt on their journey makes it easier for us to relate. To have more self-compassion for not living up to our own standards all the time, for making mistakes and feeling frustrated by it. We are indeed not alone.

The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.

Rumi

It is all about balance. Having an aha-moment and learning from it, working on our habits, messing up and then trying again. And there will always be hard times when life just happens and we fall back into old patterns. The important thing is to realize what is going on, breathe deeply and then bounce back again.

It is constantly about getting back into balance – like being on a balance board. My movement upsets my balance but I try to stay on top of it. That’s what real life movement does. 

Whatever suffering we go through shapes us. In a way, it is a lesson teaching us to approach life in a far more powerful way. Therefore, especially in a difficult situation we need to have trust in ourselves.

Some inspiration from 2 impressive human beings I recently came across:

Inky Johnson:“Looking back at a life-changing situation, people usually ask ‘what did I lose?’ instead of rather asking ‘what did I gain?’” (podcast “School of Greatness”, episode 1483)

Yung Pueblo:“You have to love yourself to change yourself.” This poet and philosopher speaks about the importance of self-love and self-acceptance: going inward and seeing yourself clearly – seeing your truth – is the first step to healing.

More encouragement:

Always remind yourself:
You are not alone. 
Not the only one. 
It will pass. 
Be gentle with yourself.
Trust yourself.

Don’t look at the gap which you still want to close in the future, but rather at all the (small) achievements you have already made in the past weeks and months. You are not the same person anymore, compared to half a year ago. That is progress. We are continuously changing. 

I happily pass on some of the beautiful pearls of wisdom I found in Yung Pueblo’s book “Lighter”:

Be honest with yourself, open and compassionate. Accept yourself unconditionally, look at yourself in a non-judgemental way. That way we can connect closely with ourselves and be whole.
A real sign of progress is when we no longer punish ourselves for our imperfections. 
You are the key to your healing, not time. Hurt, trauma, and dense conditioning will continue sitting in your mind, impacting your emotions and behaviour, until you go inward. What heals is self-love, learning to let go, self-awareness, and building new habits.
Essentials to remember on tough days:
Practice patience
Accept what you feel
Do not punish yourself
Make sure you get good rest
Give yourself ample kindness
Accomplish smaller goals that day
Do things that will calm your mind
A bad moment does not equal a bad life
Struggle can be a space for deep growth
This current discomfort is not permanent.

This amazing book radiates kindness through and through, and a deep knowing that we humans are capable of so much more than we know.


Self-love is a sincere acceptance of the past, an agreement to make the most of the present, and a willingness to allow the best to occur in the future.

Yung Pueblo

Imagining how it would be like to be at peace with myself feels good. Right now it is a fragile notion – like a dream fading away just seconds after waking up – but leaving a certain feeling behind. All I know is that it’s the right path for me so, I’m taking that first step, exploring the unknown.

I encourage you who are reading these lines, to give yourself the space you need and allow all aspects of your personality to exist. That is freedom. Have trust and be curious where the road will take you, and embrace what you can pick up along the way.

We are on a lifelong healing journey and will never be done with learning, evolving and getting to know ourselves – until the end of our lives.

Eventually, I am confident to end up in a place where I am meant to be. 

And so will you.

Do the earth a favour, don’t hide your magic.

Yung Pueblo