Life’s impermanence

Preparing the move of my parents to a care home during the past months brought up sad feelings for me, very suddenly. The time has come to say farewell to their apartment they have been living in for 12 years and to the life they were used to.

It’s a journey coming to an end, and it’s also a first farewell we children have to say, before the final chapter approaches.

It is sad. Sifting through all their belongings, deciding what they will take with them, what my brother and I will take with us, and what will be given to charity is after all, a hard step. 

Right now it takes place only in my mind: trying to remember what’s hidden in their cupboards and drawers, and where I need to watch out for possible surprises once I will be on site in a few weeks’ time and actually doing it. 

As usual I want to preempt getting stuck in the process by something that I have not thought about up front, because I want all to go well. It is a tight schedule for both my brother and I – him living in a different city than my parents and me living in a different country.

All their possessions – many of which are very dear to them – tell a lot about their life together, about their hopes, aspirations, love and struggles. It’s what remains of a life.

It is not just about the complex organization of their move, it has a very emotional component.

I want to give them the chance to be happy in that new place, but I am also aware that it will be quite a shock for them. The loss of control and full dependency on others is the reason why a lot of people who move to a care home facility die within the first 2 months.

Many objects they were used to and saw daily will no longer be around them. That goes for crockery and cutlery, their wineglasses, their bedlinen, their towels. They will be dependent upon others to wash their laundry, clean their space, give them food, or even a spoon for a tea bag. They will not brew their own coffee anymore in the morning.

On the other hand, of course, a weight is taken off their shoulders. They have not been able to cope anymore with daily life for a long time and struggled a lot. But there is a downside to everything and I know it will not be easy for them to adjust.

I want them to be happy, but all I can do is trying to soften their landing in that new reality. By being mindful and attentive, and making sure they can feel comfortable and have sufficient objects around them which serve as a reminder of past times. Like books, plants, photos, paintings, placemats or decoration. It’s often the small and simple things that bring joy.

I also need to acknowledge their feelings and deal with difficult situations that might arise, especially with my mom. My dad is easier to handle: he is pragmatic and accepts his dwindling capabilities – physically and mentally. But my mom is fighting reality as always, so for her it will be hard. Deep down she knows it is the best solution and she even said so in her more clearer moments, however, even her dementia will not let her ignore the obvious: that it is a big change.

Personally, I need to deal with these aspects as well: the factual side which means intensely project managing a lot of stuff, but also handling the emotional impact it has on me. It is hard. And I have no guarantees that my parents will be happy. I can only strive to enable it as much as possible.

Have a little faith
You’ll see it’s alright
Take a little time to breathe
The tide turns eventually
It comes in, it goes out
If you’re ever in doubt
Just have a little faith.

(Have a little faith - Son Mieux)

Going through this process turned out to be a reminder of the nature of impermanence. It reminds me of my own mortality, and that we cannot take any worldly belongings with us when it’s time to go.

My parents will lose a place they loved, but I realized that I will lose that place, too. The sadness I felt surprised me a bit at first because I have no strong connection to that place, but this feeling arising showed me what lies underneath and what I need to acknowledge for my own life.

And it made me question all the stuff that I have accumulated in my own apartment, and whether it is about time to gradually let go of more of it, bit by bit. Doing it feels liberating.

We come empty-handed into this world, and that’s how we will leave it. All of us. It’s important to have no illusions about it.

This is what the 5 remembrances mean in Buddhism:

We are all of the nature to grow old, to get sick and to die. There is no escaping that.

We will lose the people and the places that we love.

The only things we can take with us are our actions.

(Plum village podcast episode 82)

Even though these words might feel like a threat hanging in the air, it actually helps to focus on the present moment which needs our full and undivided attention. In the present we need to fully show up. Whatever we do, whoever we are with. 

Enjoy and appreciate what is in front of me and be grateful for it. The present moment turns into the past in the blink of an eye.

Everything in life is subject to change. That is just reality. That change is not meant to haunt or to taunt us. Its purpose is to teach us every day to be grateful and focus on what is really important in life.

Whatever I am currently working on, all the plans I make – which importance will it have in 50 years from now? Impermanence puts things into perspective when my head starts spinning.

Resorting to meditation whenever I felt overwhelmed by the complexity of the current situation, helped me. That’s why I keep on doing it as often as I can, striving for a daily routine. Like this morning when I got up with my head full of racing thoughts, then decided to stop myself in my tracks by sitting still and focusing on my breathing for 15 minutes. It brought me calm and I felt better equipped to start my day.

Of course, all my planning is a mere attempt to gain as much control as possible over the future. 

It does not mean everything is actually going to work out as I want to. But my worries might also not come true. 

The thoughts I started repeating to myself: it will work out eventually. There is no reason why all things should go wrong. And when issues come up then I will manage them. It’s not the end of the world. 

Some food for thought:

What do you do when your head starts spinning?

What stops you from worrying too much?

How can you be more present in your daily life?

The memory tree

My Christmas tree is actually my memory tree. 

Every year again I decorate it with mainly the same pieces of Christmas decoration that I collected over many years, from different countries. Some I bought, some I received as gifts from friends or family or people I have been working with, and some I made myself. 

All these pieces carry memories with them which I treasure, reminding me of past times and people. Souvenirs. Each year I thoroughly enjoy decorating my tree, and in the weeks approaching Christmas and beyond, I often look at my tree, evoking the happy memories connected to these items. 

It makes me feel at home, grateful for the friendship I received, those enjoyable moments with others, the time I got to spent in different countries. It’s the feelings connected to these objects that come up every time I look at them. 

With time, I have some stories to tell which are connected to this small collection – which consists of so much more than just beautiful objects. They represent different times and stages of my life’s journey.

There is the Romanian ornament egg I received as a gift from my colleagues when I visited them in Bucharest some years ago (not long before covid made travel impossible). That’s how I learnt that these eggs are also used as Christmas decoration in Romania.

The beautiful felted heart and the Newbridge Christmas tree hanger which my Irish friend Naomi gave to me.

The colourful hangers I bought in one of the pound shops I frequented in Dublin so many years ago, which still have not lost their colours.

The nice and practical Dutch paper ball ornaments I got in the first year after I moved to Utrecht.

Quite a few handcrafted delicate wooden Christmas tree ornaments I found at German and Dutch Christmas markets.

And of course, my own creations like the crocheted snowflakes and felted stars.

The tree itself is also part of the collection. I bought it while living in Dublin for 12,99 Irish pounds at Penney’s, and it is now some 25 years old (and still looking good). It has moved with me from Dublin to Germany and then to the Netherlands. Meanwhile its losing some of its fake pine needles each time I take it out of the box or store it away again – which I did today.

All these memories are my very own, they live and will die with me,  like a lot of things existing only in someone’s heart. Sometimes we might tell a story or two to a friend about what a specific object means to us. Otherwise, this fabric of life remains largely hidden. I love to share some of these stories with my friends. It’s like giving them a present, sharing a piece of my life with them.

A friend of mine used a lovely expression when sending me her wishes for this New Year: We have an empty year in front of us waiting to be filled with good and heartfelt friendship. 

That’s a fitting description of what I am planning to do, continuing to create many more moments of joy and happiness with the people I love and cherish. Creating memories we will hold on to.


Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us. 

Oscar Wilde

What does your memory tree of look like, and what do you connect with it? 

Which of your memories do you share with your loved ones?


For more inspiration have a look at my resources section.

When things go wrong

The storm raging outside mirrors my inner turmoil, thoughts racing. Images and places long gone, historical events, words and news headlines spinning around in my head like colourful pieces of glass in a big kaleidoscope. 

How will the future unfold? Believing things will somehow turn out well is wishful thinking but I am clinging to hope. I know that it’s a fine line between normality and a potential sudden downturn into disaster. 

Knowing that the next years will bring a lot of suffering and bad things are bound to happen, is just a realistic assessment. 

It’s all a bit much right now: ongoing climate change, the presidential election results, wars continuing unabated.

On the other hand, nothing is ever set in stone and where there is darkness, there is also light. 

Even in the storm, the sun is shining behind the clouds. 

Rumi

So, hanging on to eternal wisdom and hope is one way of coping, and going on about my daily life. Well knowing that I will feel down and overwhelmed from time to time. 

Getting a bad conscience about keeping my healthy distance to the news, but being fully aware that I need to be serious about setting such boundaries to protect myself. The only control that I have is over my own thoughts and decisions.

Being very self-aware of how it all makes me feel, and listening to what my inner being is telling me that she needs. 

Looking at all the problems and crises in the world it’s easy to get overwhelmed, because we cannot solve everything. But we don’t need to. The thought that resonated with me in the latest episode of my favourite podcast: 
“Focus on one thing you can do well and trust that others do the same.”

Indeed, we are not alone and it always makes me happy to see other people’s thoughts, advice, engagement and commitment. Their ideas and activism. 

It is so important not to lose hope or become angry at all that goes wrong, at the existence of evil and the amount of suffering in the world. 

The massive threats we are facing, like the climate crisis, are scary. But if leaders are not listening, it does not mean that activism is ineffective. 

The spoken word has immense power, can move people and be the catalyst for change. 

What we mostly perceive through news and social media is the – quite amplified – negative side of the coin. But there is equally love and hope out there, inventions, advice and support. 

Progress made is never in vain, even if it sometimes goes like “1 step forward, 2 steps back”. It leaves a legacy with people. It sows a seed and can be brought back to life.

Change comes in small steps. It’s rarely the big revolution that brings about radical change. It’s a sequence of small steps that finally pave the way to a different reality, so don’t underestimate its power. It takes patience and perseverance.

Most of us might wish for change to come at lightning’s speed, me included. Looking at the big challenges we are facing feels like we are running out of time, thus breeds impatience that could easily lead to overwhelm and despair. 

But none of us has a magic wand. And it’s never one person alone who could fix things , especially not when things went the wrong way for a long time. We need to hold on to each other and collaborate. And we need to acknowledge our responsibility for our life choices.


To create fundamental change, we, the members of society, have to transform ourselves. If we want real peace, we have to demonstrate our love and understanding so that those responsible for making decisions can learn from us.


Thich Nhat Hanh (Love in Action)

To change the world we first need to change ourselves. 

And if we can change ourselves, then we can change the world. 

A comforting truth: it works both ways.

How can I become the best version of myself? Easier said than done. But with myself, I have agency. I decide what to do and how to respond. It is hard and exhausting sometimes. 

1) Acknowledge the importance of the worries and threats impacting all of us. We cannot run away from them, and I do understand the anger and frustration of activists who do not feel heard. 

2) Do not lose hope, don’t let it drag you down. Taking care of yourself, your sanity, is a must. Don’t lose faith in the goodness of people or our love for the beauty of the world. That is not naive but an important part of surviving, of quality of life. We need that. Without closing our eyes to reality and what has to be done. 

Don’t give in to despair. It’s a difficult act of balance, and I am not good at it either. And remember: self-care is not selfish, but the necessary foundation for showing up well.

3) Focus on what you can do within your power. No contribution is too unimportant, we need to keep reminding ourselves of that. It could take the shape of activism but there are more options. Sharing information, supporting a cause, can be as helpful. Being attentive to people’s needs, educating and enabling others. Helping things progress and looking for kindness.

4) Have trust in others. We are in this together. It feels reassuring not to be the only one who is trying to make a change and do the right thing.


How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?

Rumi

I refuse to let this situation have the power to control my sanity, my peace, my wellbeing or my happiness. 

We need to live our lives and live them well. We need to do whatever good we can within our own circle of influence, and we need to do it together. Because we are in this together.

That is the only way to effect change.

There will never be a time when all of humanity’s problems will be solved. We can never expect one person to come along and handle everything for us – as tempting as such a thought might seem.

It is always up to us.


…use your courage and creativity to build what you know is missing from the world.

Yung Pueblo