Tag: inner peace

Inviting unpredictability

Have a little faith. There is no black and white situation. Things always change. There is no inevitability in how an event unfolds – even if I think (or wish) there must be.

How often have I experienced that things turned out much better than expected, but before they did I was fretting about them a lot and at length. 

Of course, it is always good to be prepared and to think things through, considering options and alternatives. Nothing wrong with doing my due diligence. But often, even that turned out to be not necessary at all.

So I am trying to have more patience and trust, ultimately having confidence that things can sometimes turn out well. Adjusting my expectations and not always assuming a negative outcome by default has become an important practice for me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

There is also a flip side of course. Life is unpredictable. 

We don’t have a lot under control, but we are deluding ourselves that we do. I am very familiar with this behaviour, because I am a planner. Fear of bad events (real or imagined) is driving my need for control. 

Well, life doesn’t work like that. I am so used to attempting to eliminate bad surprises and trying to get on top of all important tasks in my life – but I know my wish is a mere illusion. 

It’s much more liberating to let go of this idea – an idea essentially rooted in perfectionism. Herein lies the real inevitability: that I am unable to control the outcome of life events.


Become comfortable with not knowing.

Eckhart Tolle

Allowing myself to experience conflicting emotions is part of the package. Questioning from time to time if I am on the right path is fully ok – I just need to hang in there. 

Letting go of things I cannot control, again and again, is important, but it’s also a real struggle. 

That’s what I learnt during the past months. Unfortunately, my parents are not happy in the care home they are living in. Of course, it was a big change at a very late point in their lives and they are understandably upset. They are grieving what they lost, lacking the strength and willpower to adjust to their new situation. Their cognitive decline makes it harder.

The aggression and resistance my brother and I were confronted with really hurt though. It’s sad to see them making themselves so unhappy. It was the right decision to move them and we waited a long time before going through with it. It’s a relief to know that they are not alone anymore and have all the help and support they need. 

We had the best intentions but of course no control over the outcome. And that’s exactly what can happen: you do something for all the right reasons, but someone else is unhappy as a result. 

I had hoped for them to make the best out of this situation and focus on the benefits it clearly has for them, but they don’t want to see it.


The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.

Rumi

To acknowledge all this, my role in it and how it made me feel, was difficult. I struggled a lot with these conflicting emotions, feeling lost, angry and sad. 

In the weeks that followed I took the time to process it all, focused on protecting myself and on letting go, bit by bit. With time, I felt lighter, easing back into balance.

Where people’s emotions are involved, things get messy. Personal sensitivities have a large influence on their decisions and override the facts of reality quite often. It’s never to be underestimated. It can be a source of hope but can also turn out to be a recipe for disaster. We just never know in advance – and that’s life.

Nevertheless, this is the tiny space where hope is living. Between the black and the white.

There is always potential in every situation, even if I cannot see it in the very moment I am in it. It can turn out either way and there is not a lot we can do about it besides inviting unpredictability into our lives, fully knowing that it’s not going to be easy. 

Ultimately, have trust in what will unfold. It’s not in our hands (not always or not fully anyway most of the time), but that does not have to be a bad thing.

Have trust. In yourself and in life.


Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.

Roy T. Bennett

How do you talk to yourself?

Many of us tend to engaging in negative self-talk. It happens often unconsciously, we are so used to doing it without questioning it.

Watching my favorite show, The Great British Bake Off, I noticed this behaviour among the candidates as well, many times, men and women alike. Putting themselves down, being overly self-critical or calling themselves “stupid” when making a mistake.

I did that myself many years of my life, thinking that I needed that sort of criticism because I messed up so often. Well, let’s face it: messing up is part of being human. It’s totally normal to make mistakes, but in my mind it was not because I expected perfection from myself. 

Since then I have learnt a lot and moved on. What I focus on now is doing things in a slow manner for starters and not judging myself when I make a mistake, whatever it is. Beating myself up is not going to change what has happened anyway. But it releases stress hormones in my body, damaging my wellbeing in the long run. It’s not worth it.

This reflex is hard to stop though. Human beings are innately judgemental, towards themselves and others. It’s so easy to point out the obvious: what went wrong and then to punish ourselves or somebody else for that mishap with words. Children pick it up from their parents, and might still experience at school that mistakes are followed by ridicule and punishment.

Doing things slowly and focusing on what I do, one thing at a time, is a good way of preventing mishaps in the first place. Whether it is at work, while cooking a meal or communicating with others. It requires intention, concentration and being present. No multi-tasking.

When I am not present but being somewhere else in my head, that’s when mistakes are bound to happen. That’s why rushing in stressful situations is never a good idea. 

Ambulance workers for example don’t rush when they arrive on the scene of an accident. They are very intentional in their movements and that requires a lot of training and self-awareness. This approach certainly serves the people needing their help best.

Just keep good spirits when things are sometimes difficult, everything will work out later, and nobody can do at the beginning what he would like to do.

Vincent van Gogh

But once I (inevitably) mess up I try to stay calm and breathe, and then continue on with whatever I was doing. No blaming, no complaining, just taking a few breaths and then calmly continuing. No need to wreck my day by making myself feel inadequate.

That I managed to get this far is a huge achievement already. In the past I used to call myself an idiot. I have moved beyond that since.

I am human thus I am not perfect and I don’t have to be. And that’s what I am telling myself.

The temptation to get angry in that kind of situation is of course always there. Any deviation from my self-expectations can trigger me easily. 

A big recurring challenge for me is when my day does not go according to what I planned. Hardly any day unfolds according to plan, in fact. This is just my normal reality and I decided that getting angry with myself over it is not helpful. This has now become my practice of accepting a degree of uncertainty in my life and going with the flow. 

No chiding myself. No judgement. Be open. Just breathe and let go.

I repeat these words quite often in my head.

Good point in fact: don’t forget to breathe. In stressful situations I tend to hold my breath, therefore I give it extra attention.

That’s step number 1: quitting negative self-talk and allowing myself to make mistakes.

Moving on to positive self-talk is step number 2: acknowledging and encouraging myself. You did good. You’ll be fine. It’s ok to feel that way. 

It takes a while to internalize it, but things do get better. It takes awareness and constant practice. As always, I really need to make an active choice to change my behaviour and aim to responding instead of reacting.

Be a lamp to yourself. Be your own confidence. Hold on to the truth within yourself as to the only truth. 

Buddha

Accepting life as it is. Accepting what is (Byron Katie). Accepting the inevitable.

It sounds easy but is so hard. It’s a very big deal, in fact. It makes you humble, realizing just how fallible we humans are and that nothing in life is a given.

We do not need to know or understand or be able to fix everything, or to slide through life perfectly well. These were once my beliefs I setup as a child. I let them go since and found more peace. They are still surfacing sometimes but they don’t control me anymore.

Riding the waves of life, navigating the everyday currents is essentially like bouncing up and down. This practice takes courage, acceptance and humility. 

The only thing we can do is trying, every day again, to do better tomorrow and to treat ourselves better. 

And acknowledge our small victories every time we succeed. 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

When things go wrong

The storm raging outside mirrors my inner turmoil, thoughts racing. Images and places long gone, historical events, words and news headlines spinning around in my head like colourful pieces of glass in a big kaleidoscope. 

How will the future unfold? Believing things will somehow turn out well is wishful thinking but I am clinging to hope. I know that it’s a fine line between normality and a potential sudden downturn into disaster. 

Knowing that the next years will bring a lot of suffering and bad things are bound to happen, is just a realistic assessment. 

It’s all a bit much right now: ongoing climate change, the presidential election results, wars continuing unabated.

On the other hand, nothing is ever set in stone and where there is darkness, there is also light. 

Even in the storm, the sun is shining behind the clouds. 

Rumi

So, hanging on to eternal wisdom and hope is one way of coping, and going on about my daily life. Well knowing that I will feel down and overwhelmed from time to time. 

Getting a bad conscience about keeping my healthy distance to the news, but being fully aware that I need to be serious about setting such boundaries to protect myself. The only control that I have is over my own thoughts and decisions.

Being very self-aware of how it all makes me feel, and listening to what my inner being is telling me that she needs. 

Looking at all the problems and crises in the world it’s easy to get overwhelmed, because we cannot solve everything. But we don’t need to. The thought that resonated with me in the latest episode of my favourite podcast: 
“Focus on one thing you can do well and trust that others do the same.”

Indeed, we are not alone and it always makes me happy to see other people’s thoughts, advice, engagement and commitment. Their ideas and activism. 

It is so important not to lose hope or become angry at all that goes wrong, at the existence of evil and the amount of suffering in the world. 

The massive threats we are facing, like the climate crisis, are scary. But if leaders are not listening, it does not mean that activism is ineffective. 

The spoken word has immense power, can move people and be the catalyst for change. 

What we mostly perceive through news and social media is the – quite amplified – negative side of the coin. But there is equally love and hope out there, inventions, advice and support. 

Progress made is never in vain, even if it sometimes goes like “1 step forward, 2 steps back”. It leaves a legacy with people. It sows a seed and can be brought back to life.

Change comes in small steps. It’s rarely the big revolution that brings about radical change. It’s a sequence of small steps that finally pave the way to a different reality, so don’t underestimate its power. It takes patience and perseverance.

Most of us might wish for change to come at lightning’s speed, me included. Looking at the big challenges we are facing feels like we are running out of time, thus breeds impatience that could easily lead to overwhelm and despair. 

But none of us has a magic wand. And it’s never one person alone who could fix things , especially not when things went the wrong way for a long time. We need to hold on to each other and collaborate. And we need to acknowledge our responsibility for our life choices.


To create fundamental change, we, the members of society, have to transform ourselves. If we want real peace, we have to demonstrate our love and understanding so that those responsible for making decisions can learn from us.


Thich Nhat Hanh (Love in Action)

To change the world we first need to change ourselves. 

And if we can change ourselves, then we can change the world. 

A comforting truth: it works both ways.

How can I become the best version of myself? Easier said than done. But with myself, I have agency. I decide what to do and how to respond. It is hard and exhausting sometimes. 

1) Acknowledge the importance of the worries and threats impacting all of us. We cannot run away from them, and I do understand the anger and frustration of activists who do not feel heard. 

2) Do not lose hope, don’t let it drag you down. Taking care of yourself, your sanity, is a must. Don’t lose faith in the goodness of people or our love for the beauty of the world. That is not naive but an important part of surviving, of quality of life. We need that. Without closing our eyes to reality and what has to be done. 

Don’t give in to despair. It’s a difficult act of balance, and I am not good at it either. And remember: self-care is not selfish, but the necessary foundation for showing up well.

3) Focus on what you can do within your power. No contribution is too unimportant, we need to keep reminding ourselves of that. It could take the shape of activism but there are more options. Sharing information, supporting a cause, can be as helpful. Being attentive to people’s needs, educating and enabling others. Helping things progress and looking for kindness.

4) Have trust in others. We are in this together. It feels reassuring not to be the only one who is trying to make a change and do the right thing.


How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?

Rumi

I refuse to let this situation have the power to control my sanity, my peace, my wellbeing or my happiness. 

We need to live our lives and live them well. We need to do whatever good we can within our own circle of influence, and we need to do it together. Because we are in this together.

That is the only way to effect change.

There will never be a time when all of humanity’s problems will be solved. We can never expect one person to come along and handle everything for us – as tempting as such a thought might seem.

It is always up to us.


…use your courage and creativity to build what you know is missing from the world.

Yung Pueblo