Tag: self-compassion

What you can’t be with

Things have turned around one more time for me during my coaching training last year. I decided to explore the difficult emotion I am shying away from and I do not want to be with: feeling unsafe, vulnerable, confronted with uncertainty, not knowing what can happen. It is part of my heavy conditioning.

Answering the question for myself what I “cannot be with”, I was first trying to keep it at arm’s length. But one day into the “Balance” module of the co-active coaching education, I found myself willing to step into it, to be in it, and to explore it from time to time. I do not have to like it, of course. But being willing to face it is so important. How could I possibly ask my future coaching clients to go there, if I cannot face my own difficult emotions? 

It is not as easy as it might sound, though. 

There is no act of courage that does not involve taking risks, uncertainty and being emotionally exposed. Vulnerability is actually courage. 

Brené Brown (quote from Lewis Howes podcast)

We face uncertainty and unsafety every day, in different aspects of life. A war – even though far away – shaking us to the core. Democracy at stake after elections brought extremists to power. Desasters happening. Life is fragile.

Suffering is all around us and it is difficult to not let it touch us emotionally. Of course, we feel for others, we are all interconnected. Difficult situations are triggering what we would rather prefer to avoid. 

The willingness to be with what I previously thought I cannot be, is already a good first step. It feels like setting the right course. This is intense stuff, but “we can do hard things” (Brené Brown). We can actually do so much more than we think we are capable of. 

A more recent reminder about what it means to “be with it” came when reading Norma O’Kelly’s beautifully phrased LinkedIn post – I could relate to her words so well.

Trying to figure out where to move next and how, what to do. What is my path?

I definitely agree with her that learning only happens when we are in a dark place. Last year I have grown a lot exactly because of that, while waiting for it to get better, to pass. And the darkness did pass, it always does. 

Of course I know this, I’ve experienced it before, but when you are right in the very moment going through tough times, it feels frustrating and often scary.

Not all storms come to disrupt your life – some come to clear your path. 

Paulo Coelho

How to comfort myself during this lonely time of growth? Very good question. 

I guess it is about sticking with it and enduring it, knowing full well that this is what growth is about, and that we all undergo phases of ups and downs in our life. 

And most importantly, to have trust in ourselves and self-compassion for being human and having doubts.

As my psychologist put it: the human mind is programmed to uphold the current situation. Change is persona non grata. Change does upset the balance and is risky hence the inner saboteur shows up questioning my decisions and plans. 

Yes, it is risky and scary to change or even to leave my comfort zone, not knowing how things will turn out. 

To fully embrace growth, we must be willing to venture into the unknown.

Yung Pueblo

Here we go again: Uncertainty. My difficult emotion.

Re-visiting it, stepping into it more consciously and enduring the upcoming feelings of self-doubt will be my chosen exercise for the next time.

Knowing all this means: Giving myself some leeway, staying close to my feelings, paying attention to the signals. No self-punishment for being imperfect, not following the impulse to rush forward and take a rash decision.

Allowing things to unfold in their own time. Waiting for the path to reveal itself to me once I start walking on it. Even though it feels unnerving to endure it, to wait. But it takes as long as it takes. Accepting this is part of the game. In fact, that is a real test in this age of expecting instant gratification and perfect solutions.

Taking the decision to do this will probably be the starting point for things to get into motion – something I experienced before. Things are constantly changing. I am constantly changing. 

There is no reason to fear that a tough situation and all connected rollercoaster emotions will linger on forever. It just doesn’t. The mind just tends to forget it. So I need to always remind myself about it.

And yes, it feels lonely and frustrating to figure it out. The doubts come back questioning if I am doing it right. If I use my time wisely.

We need to be grateful for what we are given. For every opportunity that we have to spread love and kindness, and as well for everything we can learn during the dark times in our lives.

Venturing into the unknown, once again.


“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Can you imagine to step into it for a while?

How do you deal with the loneliness of the growth journey? What helps you to push through?

How do you handle the ever present uncertainty in your life? What do you need to endure it and hang in there?

Our lifelong healing journey

We feel naturally drawn to sharing with others the valuable insights we have gained during a crucial phase in our own lives. 

Once we start tackling our challenges, like trying to transform a habit or making changes in our life to improve our health and wellbeing, and we see the first signs of success, we start to think about sharing what we have learnt with others. 

Because that what helped us so well could also help them overcoming their own struggles. Such inspiration is always useful, even if only a tiny portion of it is taken away.

Peer deeply into yourself. There is a source of strength that will always spring up, if only you look.

Marcus Aurelius

Whatever resource I tapped into during the past 8 months of my recovery, there was always some hidden truth, some new and useful aspect. So I tried out the advice I found, took away the parts of it that served me and implemented them in my daily life. Building a very individual mosaic of helpful new structures that way – to support and to heal myself.

And it doesn’t matter how obvious some of the learnings might appear in hindsight. When we are ill, desperate or stressed out, we cannot see clearly. The mind is blocked. That’s why it is so essential to hear someone else pointing out the obvious. For me personally, that is often all it takes to turn things around.

Part of the learning and healing process is the eye opener when realizing our own tunnel vision: as if we were the only ones struggling, and all others had it easier. That is of course not so, and in our head we do know it. But it is the feeling which is creeping up and isolating us from ourselves during that difficult time.

The trials we undergo shape our views and self-perceptions. They also make us better coaches or advisors – whatever role we may choose to be of service to others.

A hero is one who heals their own wounds and then shows others how to do the same.

Yung Pueblo

The mission some people have is often borne out of their own problems and life experiences, and the ensuing desire to help others suffer less by sharing their stories. This applies to many inspiring speakers, podcast hosts or authors who have gone through difficult situations in their lives which left a significant impact on them.

Now, they focus on empowering others by helping them grow and giving them agency over their own lives.

When such people openly talk about how much they still struggle themselves while working on their own issues, not only does it increase their credibility but to hear it feels like a sort of relief.

Why is this aspect so particularly important?

We might think that the person in the spotlight has managed to fully heal themselves and moved beyond their problems. We might perceive them as someone who has successfully achieved the peace of mind we aspire to. But there is no such black and white situation. 

Don’t ever think that the author of a helpful book or podcast always handles life’s ups and downs in a successful manner. It’s a common misconception to assume that they have forever transformed their lives. But being human as everyone else they have their very own baggage to carry.

Everyone has their inner voice telling them “not good enough” – no matter how successful that person might appear from the outside. Especially in the face of adversity the “inner saboteur” comes to the surface so easily. 

But listening to their very personal stories of why and how they struggle and what they learnt on their journey makes it easier for us to relate. To have more self-compassion for not living up to our own standards all the time, for making mistakes and feeling frustrated by it. We are indeed not alone.

The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.

Rumi

It is all about balance. Having an aha-moment and learning from it, working on our habits, messing up and then trying again. And there will always be hard times when life just happens and we fall back into old patterns. The important thing is to realize what is going on, breathe deeply and then bounce back again.

It is constantly about getting back into balance – like being on a balance board. My movement upsets my balance but I try to stay on top of it. That’s what real life movement does. 

Whatever suffering we go through shapes us. In a way, it is a lesson teaching us to approach life in a far more powerful way. Therefore, especially in a difficult situation we need to have trust in ourselves.

Some inspiration from 2 impressive human beings I recently came across:

Inky Johnson:“Looking back at a life-changing situation, people usually ask ‘what did I lose?’ instead of rather asking ‘what did I gain?’” (podcast “School of Greatness”, episode 1483)

Yung Pueblo:“You have to love yourself to change yourself.” This poet and philosopher speaks about the importance of self-love and self-acceptance: going inward and seeing yourself clearly – seeing your truth – is the first step to healing.

More encouragement:

Always remind yourself:
You are not alone. 
Not the only one. 
It will pass. 
Be gentle with yourself.
Trust yourself.

Don’t look at the gap which you still want to close in the future, but rather at all the (small) achievements you have already made in the past weeks and months. You are not the same person anymore, compared to half a year ago. That is progress. We are continuously changing. 

I happily pass on some of the beautiful pearls of wisdom I found in Yung Pueblo’s book “Lighter”:

Be honest with yourself, open and compassionate. Accept yourself unconditionally, look at yourself in a non-judgemental way. That way we can connect closely with ourselves and be whole.
A real sign of progress is when we no longer punish ourselves for our imperfections. 
You are the key to your healing, not time. Hurt, trauma, and dense conditioning will continue sitting in your mind, impacting your emotions and behaviour, until you go inward. What heals is self-love, learning to let go, self-awareness, and building new habits.
Essentials to remember on tough days:
Practice patience
Accept what you feel
Do not punish yourself
Make sure you get good rest
Give yourself ample kindness
Accomplish smaller goals that day
Do things that will calm your mind
A bad moment does not equal a bad life
Struggle can be a space for deep growth
This current discomfort is not permanent.

This amazing book radiates kindness through and through, and a deep knowing that we humans are capable of so much more than we know.


Self-love is a sincere acceptance of the past, an agreement to make the most of the present, and a willingness to allow the best to occur in the future.

Yung Pueblo

Imagining how it would be like to be at peace with myself feels good. Right now it is a fragile notion – like a dream fading away just seconds after waking up – but leaving a certain feeling behind. All I know is that it’s the right path for me so, I’m taking that first step, exploring the unknown.

I encourage you who are reading these lines, to give yourself the space you need and allow all aspects of your personality to exist. That is freedom. Have trust and be curious where the road will take you, and embrace what you can pick up along the way.

We are on a lifelong healing journey and will never be done with learning, evolving and getting to know ourselves – until the end of our lives.

Eventually, I am confident to end up in a place where I am meant to be. 

And so will you.

Do the earth a favour, don’t hide your magic.

Yung Pueblo

Stop – and embrace the unknown

What comes up time and again, staring you in the face?

Your triggers show you what you still need to heal in your life.

What are you afraid of or don’t want to look at or feel that you are incapable of resolving or changing it?

Suffering from exhaustion many weeks after my covid infection last year was over, feeling unsure of myself and insecure, I started questioning my thoughts, my feelings and approaches.

Was it really “true” what I felt? Was I assessing my situation correctly?

The thought of soldiering on nevertheless came up – questioning whether I felt really that bad, and not being sure if my fears were justified. How very strong that impulse was in me, this bad conscience creeping up. How used I was to ignoring the obvious and putting my needs on the back burner.

But the realization of not having control of my life anymore because of constant tiredness was a wakeup call.

My doctor’s advice was “it is important that you accept your situation and don’t fight against it”. 

Let go and accept the inevitable. That was hard for me. I am usually looking ahead and planning ahead as much as I can in my life, striving to always be prepared.

Learn to let go and dare to embrace the unknown. Scary.

“Keeping your energy in a bottle” is a good piece of advice I found from fellow blogger Tamara Kulish – reading her post I realized the very personal dimension it held for me.

Managing the personal energy level well is indeed tricky, as it is important to take a rest before you actually feel exhausted. As someone who had not been listening well to her body, I struggled to pick up on signs. 

The recommendation from my physiotherapist – lying down for 20 minutes every few hours to recharge – turned out to be valuable and workable advice in helping to combat the tiredness. But unlike a phone, my battery still does not fully recharge. So I bear this in mind, even though I could extend the intervals, depending on my activities during the day.

My sleep is still not good which is energy-depleting, but to be capable to sleep you also need to have sufficient energy left at the end of the day, as I learnt.

For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them. Thich Nhat Hanh

But the biggest challenge for me was definitely to finally stop ignoring my body’s needs. In fact, I felt somehow disconnected from my body, not being used to closely listen and to do what was needed: like taking breaks, relaxing, refraining from non-stop action in a row.

This was an entirely different game now: slowing down, doing nothing, resting. Not feeling frustrated about “not getting things done” for a change. 

It meant being reasonable and planning my agenda with very large time-buffers. And my agenda was only filled with doctors’ and therapist appointments – well organized, of course, to avoid getting overwhelmed.

Many of us have been running all their lives. Practice stopping. Thich Nhat Hanh

This healing journey on which I still continue to walk opened up new doors to me. Considering all the insights I got from the professionals helping me – it is certainly an ongoing learning journey in that regard. 

Mental and physical health are inextricably connected. 

Breathing techniques and meditation have always helped me, but I also learnt to reset my sleep patterns, and slowly got started on a strict fitness program. 

Lucky enough to be in the capable hands of an ergo-therapist, I acknowledged the importance of energy management. This actually gave me quite a new perspective about how to approach better not only my work activities, but also my private activities.

And I am working with a psychotherapist on my deeply ingrained habits which tend to get into the way – like e.g. going over my boundaries.

Acceptance – of my situation and of myself in all aspects – is key. Not suppressing my fear and my anger, but giving them the space they need.

I am now on the mend and happy about my progress – but aware on the other hand that I am still recovering. Hence, I am exercising patience each day, learning to be very attentive to my body’s signals and being protective of myself.

To share with you my learnings from these past very challenging months:

Listen to your body. The body is wise – don’t question or ignore the signals. Connect with how and what you feel – and follow your needs.

Give yourself the time needed to heal. Drop all your expectations or goals. Just have patience with yourself and the process. Be kind and compassionate with yourself.

Look for help early on – whether it is from professionals, friends, books, podcasts…. You don’t have to walk this path alone, and whatever works for you is good.

Focus on activities that give you energy. Avoid the energy-takers or reduce them to very small amounts.

Trust yourself!

We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize. Thich Nhat Hanh