An enlightening poem

The birds aren’t singing to win a grammy.

They’re not trying to go platinum, 

Do their marketing or planning,

They’re just jamming.

I’m not even understanding…


“Birdsong”  (IN-Q)


Words, recited with so much warmth, humour and kindness, depth and wisdom. This poet and his poem “Birdsong” got me fascinated instantly when I listened to him the first time on the Lewis Howes podcast.

It’s a very unusual piece and contains so many lines worth pondering over, that’s why I’d like to share what stuck out for me and what it made me think of.

The first lines caught my attention and made me smile. I love listening to the birds singing early at dawn when the sky is slowly brightening. 

They are indeed a bunch of jamming musicians, creating a unique and wonderful sound which is different every day in the quietude of the morning. And while they are doing it neither for financial gain nor admiration, we are listening in awe.

Humans are the only animals pretending to be something that they’re not.

Why are we ashamed of what we’ve got?


“Birdsong”  (IN-Q)

Now that truly hits home. Why are we hiding our true self? It’s ever so often about thinking that we are not good enough, don’t measure up to a standard. Actually which standard? The one set by others we are so easily submitting to, or our own unrealistic expectations we so often set for ourselves? 

It’s easy to get drawn into this spiral about what others do, like or have, so we want that as well. Irrelevant of whether it’s good or useful – or even meant for us. People are social animals, and watching someone else supposedly happy with whatever they got, a signal seems to pop up for us to start chasing after the very same thing.

Such reflex I experienced as well on occasion, putting myself under pressure by setting an unrealistic goal. And then I felt annoyed with myself for not achieving it, for getting doubts along the way and procrastinating. Now I take these feelings as a sure sign that this is not the right goal for me.  

Everyone has to walk their very own path, and that means finding out what is good and meant for me, and only for me. Especially since time is a finite resource which becomes more and more obvious when getting older.

Our creator gave us free will thus choice. That sets us apart from animals. And what do we do with it? Why are we so often pretending instead of being our authentic selves?

Why put up a show, building a fake persona or a fake life – to what end? To impress others or make them envy what I have allegedly got?

How sad it is, pretending (online) to have the perfect body, the perfect relationship, job, holidays ….. or the perfect life. 

Before social media existed, we also flaunted status symbols like a house, a car or “the right clothes”, showing off to impress the neighbours or our classmates at school. Today in the online world people have a much further reach through their posts, facilitating approval from across the globe for their “achievements”. 

But none of it can cover up what’s going on behind the scenes, and the polished facade we put out there is in essence nothing more than a desire to belong and to find happiness.

You have to be willing not to be liked in order to be loved.

“Birdsong” (IN-Q)

Wow – what a statement! And a tall order for sure. How often we are striving for acceptance and approval, for being liked – in the real world and online. 

Who’s got the courage to go against the flow and make themselves vulnerable? Admitting not to be perfect, to mess up from time to time, making mistakes and standing by these slip-ups. Yes, it takes courage. 

I found it gets easier since I got older though, because my priorities have changed. Some things are not that important to me anymore. And how good it felt to simply let go of my wish for perfection!

How to handle negative feedback and disapproval? Well, people can only see and know parts of you. The only person knowing the full picture is you. Have a look at what Thich Nath Hanh wrote about the 6th mantra: “…The other person only sees a part of you, not the totality, so you don’t have to be unhappy at all.” (Thich Nhat Hanh, The Art of Communicating (p. 86))

Stay true to yourself and close to yourself.

Show me the unseen stuff.

Don’t invite me over only after you have cleaned up.

“Birdsong” (IN-Q)

Show me what’s bothering you, what you’re struggling with and let me help you carry the load. I want to meet your true self. That helps me to be my true self.

In everybody’s life there is something not going right. It’s important to share it and be honest about it. Why hiding it? There is no need to be ashamed. We are all in it together. Nobody is without flaws, without a drama of some kind in their lives.  

These lines made me laugh though, because when I invite friends, I often use it as an opportunity to clean up my creative chaos as I call it. Mostly half finished watercolour paintings, wool in all shapes and sizes, paper, cards, origami dwelling on the table and taking up space on my sofa. 

What the unseen stuff means to me is how I really feel and what is important, and what I want to share with another human being.

To truly be yourself you have to let go of what was.

“Birdsong” (IN-Q)

The past determines a lot. And we are not good at letting go, we are holding grudges, struggling to forgive. It’s easier to blame whatever is not going well in our lives on someone or something else, remaining in the “victim of circumstances mindset”. 

But we cannot go back in time and change the past. Accepting what has happened and that it’s a part of us is crucial and helps to move on. 

How hard it may seem at the start: making peace with your past is the only way forward. 

Do it one step at a time, especially if there is a lot to process or to forgive. I found the act of repetition helpful because it established a positive pattern over time. It’s showed me that it’s possible to move on, even if it takes quite a few reiterations. It’s never “done” in one go anyway, you need to re-visit your wounds again and again. 

But once you’ve done it the first time and felt how it opened a door for you, it’s a feeling you will remember the next time round, and that helps you to push forward and repeat the action, trusting that turning into this direction already changes your life’s trajectory and helps you to stay on your chosen path.

That’s what the healing journey is all about.

Stay courageous and curious!

Check out IN-Q for more poems and inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/@INQonline

https://www.in-q.com/

How to create happiness

We are wired to notice what is wrong. Every deviation from a happy, balanced state is quickly noted in our brain, causing our focus to move quickly to the “disturbance” and to find a way to get us back into balance.

It could easily lead to becoming one-dimensional though: if we spend all our thoughts on what’s wrong, and less on enjoying what is actually good in daily life. For example, imagine being sick and walking outside, the focus would rather be on the pain or discomfort felt, but probably not so much on the wonderful sunshine or the first buds of spring. 

But exactly in such situation: wouldn’t it be better to actively notice the good things in life and to enjoy them? They might be small, they are no magic wand, they don’t solve the problem at hand, but they could soothe and support. 

Making it a habit to notice the things that bring me joy and then hanging on to them often helped me to re-focus my thoughts, simply because it widens my perspective. Nothing is only black or white, and why should a day be “a bad one” just because of momentary discomfort?

I had the chance to practise it again a few weeks ago. On my way to the neighbourhood pharmacy I always pass a rectangular stretch of nature situated between two rows of houses. The many trees on it were in early bloom at that time. Each year, it’s a spectacular view: an abundance of delicate white blossoms covering the branches – as if each twig were tucked into a fluffy sleeve. Of course it put a smile on my face. 

On my way back, I stopped there again, relishing the moment. And I am never the only person pausing, gazing up to that fragile beauty and taking pictures of it – every year again. Turning around, I saw another woman looking in awe at this wondrous sight, and we smiled at each other, sharing our enjoyment.

Finding bliss in the small things is so important. It makes sure our current focus on a specific topic does not turn into a tunnel vision. Life is made up of so much more. 

It’s also a very practical approach to creating our own happiness. 

Happiness is not as elusive as one might think. Especially once we understand that it does not come from outside, but that it’s our responsibility to create it within us.

Yes, we are responsible for our own happiness, and taking that responsibility is essential. 


To expect another to resolve all of our issues and give us the happiness we desire is to expect to see the sunrise without opening our own eyes. it is to ask a river to give us nourishment without dipping our own hands into the water. another cannot answer a riddle that was only ever meant for our own minds to solve. the universe seeks to enlighten and empower us, thus it is only rational that we are our own greatest healers.

Yung Pueblo

As long as we project our expectations onto someone or something else “to make us happy”, we are like a leaf in the wind. But we actually have agency here and should use it.

It starts with the thoughts in our head.

Being the creator of my own thoughts, I have a choice which thoughts I create or dwell on. Our minds are very busy with thinking the entire day, we could never stop even if we wanted to. But which thoughts are helpful and good for us?

How are we looking at life and at ourselves?

How do we treat ourselves, talk to ourselves?

What do we do to make ourselves feel better when we are in the dumps?

It is wonderful having friends who could cheer us up. Especially when feeling down, having a conversation with a friend has uplifting, even healing qualities. It can feel like different colours appearing on the horizon once the rain-front has passed.

And on the flip-side, isn’t that exactly how we would want to support a friend in need?

So, what about being our own best friend in tough times? 

Which means: finding out what helps and then doing it. What has the best chance to get me through a hard situation? What could I do for myself?

And that always starts with my thoughts. 

The hard part is – as always – actually doing it. But everything worthwhile is hard.

Happiness is events minus expectations. 

Mo Gawdat

And it is of course, not easy to always pick yourself up and keep going, whatever you are going through. Knowing that nothing lasts forever and everything passes eventually, is one thing. But while being in the middle of the storm, it is ok to have doubts. 

What I experienced during a recent infection that stopped me in my tracks for a few weeks: My lack of energy meant cutting back on my healthy routine – without getting a bad conscience about it, knowing and re-assuring myself that things would get better eventually. 

It also meant procrastination on and resistance to everything that took too much energy. A lot of stuff fell through the grid that way, not only my never-ending action list but all social activities.

I acknowledged my doubts and hesitation, feeling low, my impatience. I gave myself some leeway and lots of self-compassion, taking refuge in small things, reminding me of the ever present positive signs around me.

My friends were always there for me. And I made sure I was a good friend to myself as well. Daily practice.

Happiness comes from within and only from within, and that requires to change our expectations to life.

The moment you know how your suffering came to be, you are already on the path of release from it.

Buddha

What you can’t be with

Things have turned around one more time for me during my coaching training last year. I decided to explore the difficult emotion I am shying away from and I do not want to be with: feeling unsafe, vulnerable, confronted with uncertainty, not knowing what can happen. It is part of my heavy conditioning.

Answering the question for myself what I “cannot be with”, I was first trying to keep it at arm’s length. But one day into the “Balance” module of the co-active coaching education, I found myself willing to step into it, to be in it, and to explore it from time to time. I do not have to like it, of course. But being willing to face it is so important. How could I possibly ask my future coaching clients to go there, if I cannot face my own difficult emotions? 

It is not as easy as it might sound, though. 

There is no act of courage that does not involve taking risks, uncertainty and being emotionally exposed. Vulnerability is actually courage. 

Brené Brown (quote from Lewis Howes podcast)

We face uncertainty and unsafety every day, in different aspects of life. A war – even though far away – shaking us to the core. Democracy at stake after elections brought extremists to power. Desasters happening. Life is fragile.

Suffering is all around us and it is difficult to not let it touch us emotionally. Of course, we feel for others, we are all interconnected. Difficult situations are triggering what we would rather prefer to avoid. 

The willingness to be with what I previously thought I cannot be, is already a good first step. It feels like setting the right course. This is intense stuff, but “we can do hard things” (Brené Brown). We can actually do so much more than we think we are capable of. 

A more recent reminder about what it means to “be with it” came when reading Norma O’Kelly’s beautifully phrased LinkedIn post – I could relate to her words so well.

Trying to figure out where to move next and how, what to do. What is my path?

I definitely agree with her that learning only happens when we are in a dark place. Last year I have grown a lot exactly because of that, while waiting for it to get better, to pass. And the darkness did pass, it always does. 

Of course I know this, I’ve experienced it before, but when you are right in the very moment going through tough times, it feels frustrating and often scary.

Not all storms come to disrupt your life – some come to clear your path. 

Paulo Coelho

How to comfort myself during this lonely time of growth? Very good question. 

I guess it is about sticking with it and enduring it, knowing full well that this is what growth is about, and that we all undergo phases of ups and downs in our life. 

And most importantly, to have trust in ourselves and self-compassion for being human and having doubts.

As my psychologist put it: the human mind is programmed to uphold the current situation. Change is persona non grata. Change does upset the balance and is risky hence the inner saboteur shows up questioning my decisions and plans. 

Yes, it is risky and scary to change or even to leave my comfort zone, not knowing how things will turn out. 

To fully embrace growth, we must be willing to venture into the unknown.

Yung Pueblo

Here we go again: Uncertainty. My difficult emotion.

Re-visiting it, stepping into it more consciously and enduring the upcoming feelings of self-doubt will be my chosen exercise for the next time.

Knowing all this means: Giving myself some leeway, staying close to my feelings, paying attention to the signals. No self-punishment for being imperfect, not following the impulse to rush forward and take a rash decision.

Allowing things to unfold in their own time. Waiting for the path to reveal itself to me once I start walking on it. Even though it feels unnerving to endure it, to wait. But it takes as long as it takes. Accepting this is part of the game. In fact, that is a real test in this age of expecting instant gratification and perfect solutions.

Taking the decision to do this will probably be the starting point for things to get into motion – something I experienced before. Things are constantly changing. I am constantly changing. 

There is no reason to fear that a tough situation and all connected rollercoaster emotions will linger on forever. It just doesn’t. The mind just tends to forget it. So I need to always remind myself about it.

And yes, it feels lonely and frustrating to figure it out. The doubts come back questioning if I am doing it right. If I use my time wisely.

We need to be grateful for what we are given. For every opportunity that we have to spread love and kindness, and as well for everything we can learn during the dark times in our lives.

Venturing into the unknown, once again.


“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some food for thought:

What is your difficult emotion? Can you imagine to step into it for a while?

How do you deal with the loneliness of the growth journey? What helps you to push through?

How do you handle the ever present uncertainty in your life? What do you need to endure it and hang in there?